Saturday, August 15, 2009

SkyMall, I Think I love You

As many of you know, I have been traveling a lot this summer, and not necessarily to my liking. Don't get me wrong, I love to travel. Love going to new and old places. Love love love airports. But hate flying. Hate it. Every moment on a plane for me is surely my last moment on earth - or in earth's sky - and God help the poor unfortunate soul who gets the seat next to me. Every bump sends my heart a-racing and I can't even count the number of times I have wound up in tears. If I'm lucky I remember to fly armed with what I like to call 'Mama's little chill pill' or at least plenty of cash for booze. I'm not allowed to mix the two. Not anymore. But I digress.

So this summer, along with my arsenal of anti-anxiety flying tactics - including ipod, chill pills, cash, Economist, and airport trash book - I started to include my new best friend: the SkyMall magazine. Anyone? Anyone? I've apparently been flying with this lovely piece of literature for years and never really took notice. But now SkyMall, I notice you. And I heart you too. Who knew there was such a roller coaster ride of emotions to be had in those 80-something pages of must-haves? Hours of entertainment really. I mean seriously folks, I am humbled by some of the genius, yet baffled at the same time. For example...
The Edge Bake Pan. Deliciously cooked edges on both sides. Need I say more?
The Stop Sign Park n' Place. It flashes when your bumper hits the pole. Have you seen the front of my car? Where have you been all my life!? More genius...
The Coin Counting Jar. Counts. As. You. Deposit. Love it. Have to have it..

Now, for the good stuff...
ShapeUp Pads. Add sexy curves without surgery. Eat your heart out Wonder Bra, introducing the Wonder Butt! They're adhesive butt pads ya'll!
The Water-Powered LED Light Shower Head. Go without the standard bathroom light. Soooo, what happens when you turn the water off? Are you thus cloaked in darkness? Do you have to grope your way through the darkness to turn the water on so you can then have light? Weird.
The Slanket. Stay cozy and keep your hands free! Even from the comfort of your own couch on movie night these are questionable and just a wee bit laughable. But bring this bad-boy to a baseball game and even I'll kick your ash.
REM Spring. Removes hair from the root. Um, ow. And no way in hell. No. Stinkin. Way.
NeckPro Traction Device. Offers simple, easy, effective and portable cervical traction. Maybe so, but I almost blew my back out from laughing so hard when I saw this. Come on, you laughed too, admit it. Oh, and it's 'the perfect travel companion' too.
The Indoor Dog Restroom - mat and tray system. Gives dogs a place to relieve themselves when they can't get outside for respite. Seriously? GET UP OFF THE COUCH AND TAKE YOUR DAMN DOG OUTSIDE PEOPLE! This sucker holds up to 2 gallons of pee by the way. Who wants 2 gallons of pee kickin it in their home!? Ew, ew, EW!
And last but certainly not the least... introducing The Skyrest. This person can sleep comfortably in any seat. Really, any seat? So long as it has a tray table. Can we assume that 'this person' has passed out unconscious after blowing up said Skyrest? Hilarious.

Ah, my work here is done and quite frankly I can't wait to see the next issue. Perhaps there's a Holiday Edition. Will Santa bring me a fabulous high-heel shoes that do the walking for me? One can only hope. So thank you SkyMall for keeping me company these past months. I owe my sanity and growing Christmas list to you.

Cau for now friends.


justin said...

I'm reposting this on my blog with my comments:

justin said...

I'm reposting this on my blog with my comments:

Queen Kandis said...

The NeckPro Traction Device is probably what happened to poor David Carradine. I'm not alone in thinking that's what it's for, am I?

justin said...

The edge bake pan - here's the thing. What other things require this? You gonna pour a cake or cookie batter into this? No. So then you ask yourself, "How many brownies do I really eat in a year? Is it $40 worth?"

The REM spring. First of all - it's neither a product endorsed by the musical band nor the scientific term for dreaming. I also love that it looks like one of those healing bracelets that you just roll over your face. It reminds me of those push mowers that were all man powered. I just imagine snagging and lots of ouch.

And yes, not only did I think that David Carradine died from merely trying to straighten his neck, so to speak, but so did passengers in row 21 behind me.

And my favorite, was yours too. That inflatable pillow bullshit with the man hunched over it. I literally guffawed aloud at this. And I thought, what if you died and they just went "should we wake him?" Also, if fat people get charged for having 2 seats, shouldn't this bastard have some charge for bringing his own inflatable dingy. Will it be used as part of the rescue should the plane descend into water?

All these question.

Also, sky mall or sky miles' president's name is, get this: CHRISTINE aguilera. hahahahahah

Schovillova said...

David Carradine may he rest in peace. You're awesome Ally.

And JT, so happy we are forever on the same page. But dude, we have one of those man powered mowers. They mow half the yard in twice the time and it's a slow and painful process. Much like I believe the REM hair-ripper-outer to be.