Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Angry Birds Will Make You Happy

We will make you very happy.
Have you heard of this tasty little phone app? (Future Self:  A 'phone app' is an application that you can add to your phone that will allow you to waste countless hours reading the news, celebrity gossip and playing awesome video games spanning the 80's and into the 21st century)  Kevin was the first one to tell me about it and it was brand new information but since then everyone I ask is like Um yeah, of course I've heard of it.  Who hasn't?  So now I'm feeling very current and better for it because honestly, this has happily passed the last 30 hours for me.  In my current sickly state, sniff, reading is not an option but apparently video games on hand held devices are.  It's a battery gobbler so keep the phone plugged in while you play boys and girls, but really, it's quite brilliant.

I mean the birds really are angry and all they want to do is off the little piggies who are hiding out in bunkers laced with TNT and wearing protective gear.  They're smarter than they look and there's a certain level of satisfaction that can be attained when you master the strengths and weaknesses of the different angry birds and then you can strategize accordingly.  30 hours later I've only made it to the 21st round of level 3 on the first of 5 tiers - I'm Poached Eggs  apparently.  Clearly it's time for more cold meds.

PS - I'm starting to think this game is also good for stress relief.  Suddenly I've become obsessed with blowing shit up and I hear myself saying things like take that muther fugger to the little piggies as I send an angry bird flying into the TNT pile.  Like I said, satisfaction.

**  Update - Angry Birds also has an 'Angry Birds Season'  app where there's snow and ice castles!  Very exciting.  Thanks Jake!

I Blew My Nose and Passed Out

About a year and a half ago we went on a highly anticipated family vacation with my mom and Terry and all 4 'kids' and spouses and grandkids for the first time ever and we were very excited.  How awesome that I got to be with all 4 nieces and nephew for a whole week with the Washington Coastline as our backyard?  Needless to say it was absolute Heaven - for like the first 2 days.  Then all hell broke loose and we started dropping like flies.  Me, I work in a children's museum 385 days a year and am exposed to like a gazillion germs on a daily basis and I get nothing.  But 2 days with these guys and I come down with Sinusitis, Strep, and Bronchitis.
We will infest you.
Fast-forward 18 months and we journey to another family vacation - This time with the Schoville clan and it. was. awesome.  Bob & Nancy found a house just in time for Christmas - like they literally moved in on the 14th - and by the time we arrived the house was totally decked out in all things holidayee.  Once again, nephews and brand new little niece and nephew plus all the 'kids' and spouses together for 6 fun-filled and later snot-filled days.  This time my immune system faired a little better as it took me 5 days to come down with the crud.  I'd been doing pretty well since that last Washinton Niece-Nephew strain which apparently must have been the mother of all strains since really, that was the last time I was sick.  So once again, the niece and nephews are no match for me and my museum germs as it hit me full force the morning that we left. A little something to remember them by I guess.  Thank you.
We're cute but contagious.
 I admit, I totally let my guard down and I should have known better.  I wiped runny noses and wiped away drool with the back of my hand.  I hugged and kissed their chubby little slobbery cheeks and even wiped a bottom or 2.  Ok, just 1.  Kev got to do all the driving home while I tossed and turned in the front seat and now I have officially been either on the couch or in bed for the last 25 hours exactly.  Every time I look down I feel like my face is going to detach from my head and my teeth are throbbing and I imagine that the only relief at this point is to reach into my mouth and pull them out like dentures.  I think that would feel amazing.  Wanna hear more?  Every time I blow my nose the fluid in my ear canal squeals and a little bit ago I got light headed when I blew my nose and fell over onto my pillow.  How sad is that?
We're wearing iron for a reason.
Next time I will be better prepared and I might even look into an Iron Man ensemble for myself.  At first I was a little annoyed at these Christmas gifts for the 4 and 2 year old nephews.  They were noisy, complicated to put together and hurt like hell when they landed on your foot.  But as soon as Magnus started wearing his, his virus cleared right freaking up.  Inneresting.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

It's Christmas Doncha Know

A very Christmas view.
From the white hills of Wisconsin it's Christmas at the Schoville's ya'll and it's a good place to be, you should try it sometime they will totally feed you.  The in-law's new small-town woodsy pad sports crazy tall snow-covered trees that can be viewed from floor-to-ceiling windows, tons of deer and wild turkey (the actual birds, not the whiskey although I'm pretty sure I could probably find that here too if I dug around enough), more cheese than any 20 people should consume in one year - maybe 5 - and 12 stockings hung from the chimney with care.  With 8 adults and 4 little people it's fun to be around those who still believe.  Santa induced behavior transformations are amazing and just might be my favorite thing about this holiday season, other than family of course.

Stockings hung with care.

Between my birthday and Christmas, I typically rake in a pretty good haul and this year Kev/Santa et all were especially kind.  Topping the list were these 2 things:

- A new Android Global phone (a note to my future self:  this a super-cool cell phone that is really hot this season) that is way smarted than me and I have yet to sync my contact list so I was able to recognize only about 5% of the b-day/Xmas greetings that were sent to me but I was still very good to respond to each one with enthusiastic thanks.  I'm slowly working towards reconciling the contacts.  What's crazy is that although I wasn't able to sync contacts from my old Blackberry (Future Self that was super-cool like 2, maybe 3 years ago), but I somehow managed to sync all my Facebook contacts so people who I haven't spoken to in TWENTY YEARS are now in my phone list.  Note to current self:  Delete those asap before nostalgic drunk dialing ensues.
 - An Amazon Kindle was an unexpected surprise considering I'd been on the shelf since they'd come out a couple of years ago.  Me, a book snob, I love to surround myself in books, lots of em.  Some I read once or get to eventually, others I will read one million times.  I like the sound and smell of the books, flipping the pages, even reading the covers, jackets, and ok, I've been known to check out a back page a time or 2.  A Kindle happens to negate all these things.  However, a Kindle majorly trumps all that by simply being light as paper and housing 14,000 books at one time.  Does anyone else get butterflies with that last part?  It even comes with some free-bee classics so thus far I'm carrying around Dracula, Pride & Prejudice, Pride & Prejudice and Zombies, The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin, Frankenstein and The Onion.  What can I say it's growing on me and I will finally say:  Yes Kandis, you are right.  Kindle's are awesome and PS you still need to update your blog.

Cooler than he looks.
Other items to note:  A Boz Scaggs Greatest Hits CD from my mom.  Honestly I thought it was a mistake but then she was like No Nicole, you listened to him throughout your entire childhood and I was like No Mom, I'm pretty sure I didn't but I'll give it a try anyways so I did.  And she was right.  I had goosebumps from track 1 'Lowdown'.  If you had any kind of childhood/state of being in the 70's and 80's then you will appreciate this gift as well.  Otherewise it will be lost on you.

I also got a kick ass baseball book light which is as cool as it sounds, a wine rack (finally!) and house slippers that go all the way up my legs - trust me they're hot - and a host of other awesome stuff that is just too much to type.  I've also put on about 10 more pounds (not really but that's how I feel) and I can only imagine what Dr. Doom would have to say about it the bastard.  Ah well.

Hope Santa was as good to you as he was to me kids.  Looking forward to a couple more Schoville-filled days before heading back to Naptown.

Cau for now and goodnight ya'll.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

So You Wanna Be the Most Popular Person at Christmas This Year?

  • Thanks to my fellow yogi Laura, I am so gonna be the most popular Schoville this Christmas!  And in the spirit of this holiday season and giving and stuff, I give to thee an early Christmas present.  And better yet, there's still time left to go out and purchase the ingredients that will secure your spot at the adults' table this year.  
  • So without further ado, I offer up the world's easiest and tastiest...
  • The Pomegranate-Avocado Salsa!
  • Blood Orange and Avocado Salsa with Pomegranate Seeds
  • 1 1/3  cups  diced peeled avocado (about 2 avocados)
  • 3  tablespoons  fresh lime juice
  • 2  cups  clementine sections (about 6 clementines)
  • 1  cup  pomegranate seeds (Trader Joe's has these already seeded for you!)
  • 1/2  cup  thinly sliced green onions
  • 1/2  cup  minced fresh cilantro
  • 2  tablespoons  honey
  • 1/2  teaspoon  salt
  • 1  jalapeño pepper, seeded and minced
  • (do NOT mince the jalapeño .  I tried that and it literally busted through my metal mincer - Dear Santa please add a new mincer to my list.   And for the love of all things holy, do not forget to seed it either because hours later I'm still downing the soy milk by the gallon.  A little jalapeño goes a long way kids).

You are welcome friends and happy holidays!

Review: The Tourist

Forget Your Passport and Stay Home Ya'll.

I blame Kevin.  We were supposed to go and see 'Black Swan', a sure crowd pleaser.  No need to look up the reviews on that one, it's already got the nominations and Facebook buzz to back-up it's greatness.  The Tourist however, does not and I am so not surprised.  So Kevin comes down with a bug of some sort which leaves Kate and I to our own devices and like any practical women at a theater sans male counterparts, we're gonna go straight for the Johnny Depp movie.  Who needs a review when it's Johnny Depp?

Sometimes(all the time) it drives me a wee bit crazy when Kev just has to read the reviews before going to see a movie.  Like every. single. time.  Anything less than a B and we wait for it to come out on cable.  Oh wait, I mean Netflix.  In doing so we end up almost always getting our money's worth (except for Inception - that was bad).  So I get it, there's method to the kid's madness and after last night's train wreck of a movie I will never mock him again.  I mean seriously, I wish the train in the first 5 minutes of the movie had actually wrecked and ended the movie but that didn't happen and I was left wasting the next 138 minutes of my life thinking for the love of god, please end.

I'd say that I don't want to spoil anything for you just in case you decide to waste 143 minutes of your precious existence watching this flick, but really, I do want to spoil it just so you won't go see it.  Consider this an early Christmas present from me to you.  You're welcome.  

Jolie plays the ridiculously beautiful undercover agent/woman in love who is being followed by British intelligence and some mafioso gangster guys with really bad Russian accents.  Their following tactics had me reeling as they drove 5 paces behind her in a van as she walked the narrow streets of Venice.  Like they drove 5 mph, right freaking behind her.  They all want to find this Alex Pierce dude who has been eluding them all for 2 years, owing a gazillion dollars in taxes to the British government, a couple billion in stolen geeds to the mafioso and who has promised a love-lorn Jolie that he will find her.  Ugh.  

Enter Johnny Depp, a somewhat bumbling math teacher from the Midwest who is chosen 'at random' on a train to act as a decoy for the Brits and apes. And of course, in a few days time, the cat and mouse has him running across tiled roof tops in his pj's and being handcuffed to a boat in a canal which is towed at moderate speed by Jolie as they attempt to outrun them all.  Hands down 2 of the most painful chase scenes ever.  I can't even really do any of it real justice with words because it was just that bad.  And if you go expecting any sort of chemistry between the lead roles then you will be severely disappointed in that as well.  I was absolutely shocked at the glaring lack of chemistry between Jolie and Depp.  It was like Brad Pitt had willed the chemistry to not exist - kind of like the supposed hot love scene that he demanded be left on the editing room floor.  Inneresting.  And somehow we were still supposed to believe that in those few days (and honestly very little dialog between the two) they fell in love.  Awww.  The constipated longing glances and a stiff-lipped kiss had me giggling uncomfortably.  It was so so bad.  But in the end after an incredibly anticlimactic showdown with all our old friends, it was the the sparkless duo that outsmarted them all as they sailed off into the sunset of the Italian Riviera.  And by the way, Depp ended up being the ever-elusive Mr. Pierce with a 20 million dollar new face.  Shocker.

So there you go boys and girls.  This flick registered a whopping C- on my moviedar.  A little generous perhaps but the scenery was killer, except for when they showed Jolie and Depp on the speed boat from the front, and the scenery and water around the boat were superimposed and stupid looking.  I could swear I saw a corner of the fan that was blowing on their faces, making us believe that they were in a high-speed water chase.  That deserved an F.  

PS - We did go and see '127 Hours' last weekend and that is a great movie.  It rated an A- on the ol' moviedar and Santa if you're listening I must have that soundtrack.  But be fore-warned, do not go to that flick if you are prone to motion sickness, seizures, sleep, nausea, or have an aversion to decapitating body parts and plucking exposed nerves like violin strings.  And I'm not giving anything away by saying that because it's based on a true story.  But seriously, one dude passed right the frack out unconscious during the amputation scene and minutes later some other dude passed out and began to snore loudly.  Go figure.  I think I'll stick to my Netflix for a while.

Cau for now.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

What's Up Doc?

News flash ya'll.  According to my ex-doctor, not only am I fat and OLD, but also?  Exercise won't make me (or you) lose weight.  Thus, at the geriatric age of 33, I can kiss my aspirations for a better waist-line via running and yoga good-bye.  By the time I left that office I felt like I'd been zinged so many times that I couldn't wait to go home and burn my running shoes then crawl back into bed.  Forever. Here's how the ego crushing pep-talk went down.

Dr. Doom (Obviously not his real name but I was either going to refer to him as that or Dr. Douche Canoe and really, Dr. Doom is easier to write over and over again.):  Good morning ...(quick glance at my file) Nicole, what brings you in?
Me:  I'd like to get my thyroid checked for these reasons: blah, blah, blah, and blah.
Dr. Doom:  Ok (glance) Nicole, I should tell you though, about 97% of people who ask to get it checked, it turns out they're fine and they just need to lose weight.  zing.
Me:  Well Doc, I've been working out regularly and eating pretty well and it just hasn't been helping.  In fact, it seems to be having the opposite effect. 
Dr. Doom:  Well, I hate to tell you this, but didn't you know that exercise won't necessarily help you lose weight?
Me:  Um, no actually, that is brand-new information. 
Dr.  Doom:  Didn't you see that article in TIME last year? 
Me:  Which one, there were like 52 issues that year.  
Dr. Doom:  The one that was about how exercise won't make you lose weight because when people exercise they usually end up indulging in more calories than they actually burn as a reward for working out, and as a result cancelling out all effects of working out.
And I'm like:  I don't necessarily agree with that.  I eat well, no fast-food, no red meat, salad almost every day, blah blah blah and I'm working out regularly again for the first time in a year.  If anything my eating has gotten better as my exercise increases.

We don't need no stinking exercise!

Dr. Jerk-Ass Doom:  Well, you're old.  And when you get old your metabolism slows.  (Yeah, not old-er, just old.  This, coming from a 70 year old.  Double zing.)Here's a website you should go to, it will help you keep track of your calories and will help you lose weight.  You could stand to lose... (looking at my chart) 23 pounds at least. zing zing zing zing zing zing!! Explosions went off in my head and I felt feint.  I'm no size 4 but at the towering height of 5'4", losing 23 lbs is like losing an entire leg.

I was deflated and defeated and downright depressed.  And then tears, brimming, ready to spill:
Dr. Douche Canoe:  Nicole, have you been depressed because that can be a sign of thyroid issues.
Me:  No, but I am now.
Dr. Douche Canoe:  Well alright, let's get that checked out.

And that was it.  He led me to the little blood work waiting room, signed me in, and said We'll be in touch.  My thought:  Don't count on it.

For the record I read that article and I hate the message that it sends out to idiots like my ex-doc who will only take it for its head line and first 3 paragraphs and then share their new found knowledge with god knows how many patients, desperate for answers. I hope my students aren't disappointed tomorrow when I show up to mat class with a bowl of salad and extra forks:

Forget your ab workout tonight boys and girls, from now on we feast on salad!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Weird Fishes/Arpreggi

Babička's got her eye on you.
Five years later I still miss Prague so freaking much, especially around the holidays.  Hot wine before breakfast and picking Christmas dinner out of a city street barrel, ah how I miss those days.

Hot wine - svařák, it's not just for cold winter nights.  The hot wine stands that pop up on nearly every corner all over the city were my good friends.  All of them.  Trust me, hot red wine at 7 a.m. is just the thing to get the circulation going back in the ol' toes on the way to teach classes - and between, and after.  Totally acceptable in post-Communist Czech Republic but sadly, the states have not caught on to that phenomenon but I will die trying.  

Holiday markets and Czech Christmas decor.  It didn't take long after the fall of Communism for the Czechs to embrace the Western traditions of abundant lights and ticky tack decor to celebrate the holiday season.  Among all the lights and tack are the kick ass Christmas markets that are set up throughout the entire city, all of which contain booth after booth of hand made ornaments and toys, hot roasted nuts and my beloved svařák.

The fate of the Christmas carp.  Around Christmas time, the Czech fishmongers set up their ginormous plastic tubs of carp.  Lots and lots of carp and in these modern times the Christmas Carp has 1 of 4 fates:
1.  Czech grandmas (babička's) will delicately pick out the biggest and best carp and then stand by and watch as it gets mercilessly cleaved and pummeled.  They are then ruthless about ensuring that every scale, eyeball and every last of the entrails are scooped up and put into their to go bag.  Apparently it makes for a soup that only a Czech grandma can make.
These Czech babi's show no mercy and leave no eye ball left behind.
2.  I'm totally not making this up.  The second fate of the Czech Christmas Carp is the bathtub.  From the market, the carp (the ones that survive the babičkas) are brought home to a tub of their very own.  As in the bathtub, you know, the one you you bathe in and stuff.  Here they spend their (few) days before Christmas swimming around, playing family pet - no lie.  All of this makes the next fate all the more sad...

Here fishy, fishy...
3.  Christmas dinner of fried carp and potato salad.  That's right, that pet bathtub carp that your kids become so attached to, spend hours talking to and even give names to, will perhaps wind up on your table, battered and fried along side potato salad come Christmas Eve.

4.  If your pet carp is lucky enough to live in a more liberal and modern Czech household then it will be happy to be returned to its (or a) beloved river where it will be free to swim again until next season.  As it turns out, bathtub slaughters aren't what they used to although they are still in existence.

Swim little fish!  For god's sake SWIM!

And also:  In Czech tradition, it's not Santa who delivers the gifts but it's Baby Jesus.  He resides high in the mountains and flies down on Christmas Eve to deliver all the gifts under the trees which are decorated in fruits and sweets.  I miss it.  I miss it all.  The sights, sounds, smells (for the most part) and the people.  One day, we will be back there.  With hot wine.

Veselé Vánoce!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

A Funny Thing Happened in the Restroom Today.

We've all been there, admit it.  A public restroom (in most cases work), you think you have the place to yourself and just begin to get comfortable when suddenly you've got company.  Tensions rise and all productivity comes to a painful halt.  I know you know what I'm talking about.  Then we start to think crazy nonsense like Maybe if I sit still and am very quiet they won't know I'm here.   Or If I sit here long enough they'll leave.  So you do just that.  You sit there.  And wait.  Then it gets awkward and when it's finally over and ends however it ends you spend the rest of the day wondering if your shoes will be recognized by your stall-neighbor.  Ugh, I hate it when that happens, and this morning?  Weirdest. Scenario. Ever.

So my work has a teeny tiny little workout room for staff to use on the Lower Level, out of public eye.  On my road to healing and breathing and all things good, I've been taking advantage of the fact that on just about any morning I can more than likely have the place to myself.  No pressure to get off the treadmill, no line for the elliptical (which is fine because I hate that thing anyways), no one changing the TV from CNN to Fox News and no wait for the one and only shower.  For the most part I feel like I have the run of the place in the wee hours of the morning - or I did until today.

This morning I had just gotten out of the shower and into the stall to change into the day's ensemble when the bathroom door opened and someone entered the stall next to me.  Not used to the company I paused for a hot second when I heard the familiar 'clink' of a ceramic mug settling on metal.  Huh.  I resumed trying to navigate my shirt when I heard the rustling of paper and paused again. Newspaper.  Inneresting.  And then, nothing.  They just sat there.  I continued to navigate my shirt, then another, and finally the rest of me, all the while my neighbor just sat in stone-cold silence.  An occasional rustle and clink.  How long can they possibly keep this up? I wondered, then smirked when I realized that I still had my make-up to apply.  And then things got weird.

When I exited the stall and reached down to grab my make-up bag, I of course took a quick gander at the feet that belonged to my neighbor (you know, so I could recognize them later when attached to a body) and was kinda weirded out to find not shoes, but socks.  Socks ya'll.  As in stocking feet in the bathroom.  And not just any bathroom but a work bathroom.  What the fug?  That's weird, right?  And I had to laugh cause they dangled off the ground just a little and the toes wiggled uncomfortably.  So I finished getting ready. For another 10 minutes.  I even turned the blow dryer on (even though I didn't really need it) for a few minutes, just to give the poor soul some relief.  I turned off the blow dryer, clink, rustle, wiggle.  That's it.  We were at a stand off.

And then I surrendered to the faceless toes.  I couldn't take it any more and somehow I was the one who felt awkward.  I felt like I was the one who was doing the intruding and I had to leave.  I quickly packed up my belongings and scurried outside before I was recognized.   So, lesson of the day boys and girls?   When faced with potentially awkward bathroom stall situations, take the shoes off.

Cau for now.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

2 Reasons Why My Sister is Awesome...

1. She and Whole Foods are like this. Not really actually. She has gotten a total of 6 rejection letters from Whole Foods although she's pretty sure she's only applied for a job with them like 2 or 3 times. The more letters she gets the harder she laughs.

2. She's gonna be a body model. Or she might be. I've got my fingers crossed. There's a company in Seattle that makes these bad boys:

She answered an add for 'odd body sizes' to be fitted for the body sling. If she gets the gig it'll be kinda awesome because a) it's quick cash and b) if I buy one and hang out it in it, it'll be like she's hugging me or something and I really miss her. Is that weird? That's weird isn't it.

So in case you haven't figured it out, she's looking for a job. Are you hiring? She's brilliant and has an excellent sense of humor. Think about it.

PS - I left the name of the body sling company out on purpose because I don't want to jinx anything.

***Update 8/29/11***

Sadly the body model thing never came to fruition, they may have read this post.  However... Whole Foods finally came a knockin' and not only has she been employed by them for the past 4 months, but they downright created a position for her because she interviewed so well and they really wanted her, they just weren't quite sure where to put her. She was recently moved to full time because you know, she's awesome.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Sunflower Seeds - Not as Easy as They Look.

Ron Washington made it look too easy.

Apparently we're due for a trip to the grocery store because I am currently snacking (or trying to) on a bag of sunflower seeds that that we got as part of our swag at The Drumstick Dash the other morning. And what's even more apparent is the fact that I am out of practice when it comes to the art of sunflower seed consumption. I just can't do it and I've wasted the past 30 minutes and half the bag trying. Every time I barely bite down to open the seed, it all splinters and cracks and falls apart. All I have to show for my efforts is a sad pile of soggy splintered shells containing soggy splintered seeds. I know it's not supposed to be this difficult. I'm exhausted.

Black Friday: The Case for Cyber Monday Grows and Here's Why...

As you know, I'm oddly fascinated by most strange things, and in this post we discuss a growing little phenomenon - a carnival of capitalism if you will - known as Black Friday. Every year tops the one before it, and while I personally opt to hunker down on the couch and nurse Thanksgiving food and beverage hangovers (and save my energy for Cyber Monday), I look forward not to the Black Friday shopping experience, but the aftermath of it the next morning.

Like I can't wait to get up the Saturday morning after and scan the online articles, taking in the body counts, the incarcerated, the riots, and the number of advertised deals that weren't ever really great deals to begin with, but just enough to get the poor shmoes through the door, all for the sake of saving a few bucks. But then after you add up the bail money, the stolen merchandise from cars and sometimes even the fee for towed vehicles after said shmoes park on medians, sidewalks and in fire lanes - again, all for the sake of saving a few bucks, I say to thee Was it worth it?? And also? It's called CYBER MONDAY YA'LL!!

I admit I was relieved to not have been greeted this morning with headlines of Black Friday death, like at the Long Island Wal-Mart 2 years ago, but I still managed to find some shameful little nuggets for you to chew on:

- 3 women in West Palm Beach reported that over $1000 worth of Best Buy purchases were stolen from their car only minutes after locking them in there so they could head to the JC Penny's just next to Best Buy. They were most upset about the fact that they'd been camping out since Wednesday night (you know, the day before Thanksgiving) so they could be the first into Best Buy on Friday morning. That's called karma for ditching your family on Thanksgiving ladies.

- A woman at a Toys R Us in Madison, WI was arrested after threatening to shoot the hundreds of people that she had just cut ahead of in line if they didn't let her pass. I just wanted to get my daughter the toy that she wanted for Christmas and I knew it would be gone if I waited until the next day to get it. AWesome. Not only will that little girl not get that toy at Christmas, but now she may not even get her mom at Christmas. Well done.

- Shoppers in Target in Buffalo, NY were trampled upon entering the store as line jumpers quickly and violently pushed their way to the front of the lines as the doors opened at midnight. Check it out - Doesn't it look like FUN?

- A marine was stabbed at a Toys for Tots drive when he attempted to take down a shoplifter. So not only do we have to worry about being trampled while shopping, but we must now worry about being stabbed or impaled. Speaking of which...

- A man was arrested for carrying a gun with extra rounds, 2 knives and a pepper grenade while shopping at a Wal-Mart in Boynton, FL. He did not use them or threaten to use them, but they were noticed by a fellow shopper who then alerted security. Black Friday is clearly a dangerous sport.

In closing, I beg you to please consider cyber deals when holiday shopping. You can do this from the comfort of your own couch, in your pj's, with wine or coffee and Thanksgiving leftovers, and for the most part, weapon free. And guess what, all of those stores that offer the Black Friday deals, also offer some rocking Cyber Monday deals as well. So then, you don't have to participate in shenanigans like this...

Monday, November 22, 2010

Return to Nuggets

I think I just needed a little distance from the book for a while, thus the lag in nuggets that I'd promised to delve to you slowly weeks ago. You know, the book that showed up on my doorstep, written by an uncle whom, it turns out, I did meet once but I was too young to remember, written about my biological grandfather whom I also apparently met at the same time as said uncle but again, too young to recall that momentous occasion. I still haven't read it all the way through, unlike Kevin who devoured it in a matter of days. His feedback? Huh. It was inneresting (because he really does say 'interesting' that way and I love him for it).
INNERESTING?! That's all you've got? That's all you have to say about the memoirs of a sociopathic cult leading narcissist who just happens to share my DNA?? He shrugged. At least the kid doesn't judge. Unlike me. I felt so exposed even though really, the person in the book is nothing to do with me. Nada. Nill. Zilch. That has become my mantra. And then my dad told me they're making a movie. Splendid.

Without further ado, Nugget #2
(page 66 paragraph 6 so when you put them together it makes '666'. Inneresting.)
It's not that I really had anything against Greek freaks, it's just that I wanted to be BMOC (Big Man on Campus). I succeeded, however briefly, in reaching my goal. And I did it with anti-fraternity/sorority ridiculing and denigrating to rouse the rabble, just as madman Hitler had done by making Jews the scapegoats for all of Germany's ills. It was as easy for me as it had been for Hitler.

Ya hear that? He fancies himself to be like Hitler. Hitler. Ya'll.

Cau for now.
Or should I say Auf wiedersehen.

PS - The whole collegiate Hitler stage was merely testing the waters for his eventual career in brain washing and the art of mass manipulation and no I'm not kidding so stay tuned for more nuggets.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

It's called 'preemptive', bitches, and other bizarre things I heard Friday Night

It's called 'preemptive', bitches is only one of the many bizarre things that I heard the other night on the Snuggie Crawl. You thought I was kidding when I said that in my last post. Like I made it up just to excuse the total randomness of my last post? But no. Totally true story. I survived my first Snuggie Crawl and even managed to hold on to my sobriety just so I could remember all the crazy I witnessed and tell about the next day. And so I could run the next day but whatever. At 30 minutes before the event started I was informed that not only were Snuggies really required, but that people actually themed their ensembles. Alissa had a whole hunting theme thing going on. Me, welp, what else was I gonna wear with that royal blue at a moment's notice?

It's called 'preemptive', bitches was the response that I got when a very aggressive type A who kind of scared me a little was gushing about her addiction to botox (like she actually hosts the parties at her house kind of addiction) and I simply commented that she doesn't look like she's old enough to need it. It's called 'preemptive', bitches as she pointed to her forehead with super-wide eyes and a god, are you a total idiot or what look on her face. Oh. That was my witty come-back. I felt side-swiped. Naively I'd thought I'd left that kind of attitude and thinking behind when I left Dallas, but Friday night I realized that it had actually spread to the Midwest. Like Killer Bees or Bird Flu or something. Toxic.

You said you were ready for us to open the door! was exclaimed by my 2 New Friends that I'd made as their Super Obnoxious Friend timberred backwards like a falling tree out of the bathroom and onto the barroom floor. Now picture that again with Super Obnoxious Girl wearing a camouflaged Snuggie and stilettos. Had Alissa and I not side-stepped the door as it blasted open, we would have wound up in a pile of Snuggie carnage.

I'll buy your friend a beer if she answers 5 questions wrong. Clearly it's been a while since I was in a bar without Kev and things seem to have gotten more competitive - and more stupid. So this totally cheesy guy walks up to me, Alissa and another new friend (who at the age of TWENTY-FOUR was complaining about being too old to be in bars anymore - um, what?) and says just that: I'll buy your friend a beer if she answers 5 questions wrong. Long story short, the idea is for the person to answer 4 totally easy questions like what's you name and are you wearing a Snuggie and give the wrong answer. The catch is supposed to be the 5th question which is have you played this game before to which one would automatically say 'no', thus causing the totally cheesy guys of the world to rejoice in your accidental truth and not have to buy you a beer. So when our Totally Cheesy Guy clicked his heels in delight, the World's Oldest 24-Year Old totally dead-panned and said How do you know I've never played this game? Maybe I have and I actually just answered the last question wrong and maybe you owe me that beer after all. Oh snap, The World's Smartest 24-Year Old got her beer and Totally Cheesy Guy Moved on in defeat.

Wanna see pictures of my kids from the last 3 years? So Crazy Plastic Surgeon Chick did not actually say that out loud but I know she was thinking it when she casually mentioned her kids and why she hasn't been to pilates since she had them (people always seem compelled to confess how long it's been since they worked out and all their reasons why when they find out that I teach pilates, it's weird) while Alissa and I were standing in line for the bathroom. Next thing we knew we were going through a 16G iphone worth of photos of her ridiculously good-looking children and husband (who is a photographer so the pictures were even more ridiculously good-looking) for 15 minutes straight. Luckily we were saved by a super obnoxious camo-clad Snuggie girl falling backwards like a tree out of the bathroom door.

Can you hold my Snuggie up while I pee? was heard and not actually witnessed, thank god. But still, totally made me almost pee my Snuggie.

All in all it was a fun night. You should know that it was actually a fund-raiser and not just another night out in Naptown. I'd say at most we were about 70 Snuggies strong so it was quite a sight to behold. And really, it was kind of awesome wearing a Snuggie in a bar on a cold Fall night. Obviously my days of Snuggie trashing are over.

Cau for now.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

The Flux Capacitor Liveth

Serious props to the folks at Blogger for gifting us bloggers the ability to see who and how people are finding our blogs. The 'who' is limited to country (which totally fascinates me) and the 'how' gives you linking sites and search words. There are a bunch of other stats, all the way down to the year, month, week and day, but these 2 are the ones that I get most geeked about. Riveting, right?

For example, this month, folks who were looking for 'Mother Mary Statues', wound up on my site eight times. Hilarious. Boy I bet they were surprised when they saw these. Here's hoping that they find humor in headless Mary's. I also got a kick out of 'James Taylor raisin bran record' which I tried to google and somehow I didn't find me. And really? Why is someone googling that anyway? Totally weird. But now I wonder if when I publish this post, will it link me to me for real? Crazy. It'll be like time traveling without the machine. Or at least without the machine that we think of when we refer to time traveling like the one from Back to the Future because it'll still be a machine, only it's a computer machine. Crazy. I'm fluxing my capacitor now...

Awesome. I am now at the top of the list when googling James Taylor Raisin Bran Record folks. It's kind of like playing google god. But now I'm touched with the moral dilemma as to whether or not I just upset the balance of the universe of something. Like I just made the self fulfilling James Taylor Raisin Bran Record prophecy come true and it's going to start raining green from the sky - UGH! Sometimes I feel like whole blogging thing gives folks just a little too much power and I may have just abused mine for the very first time. It was scary and a rush all in one. And by the way I totally apologize for the randomness of all of this but I think I'm still reeling from my evening out Snuggie Crawling through Broadripple. I woke up this morning thinking that seeing Lady Gaga Snuggie, Sponge Bob Snuggie, and Santa Snuggie all grinding in a line to Salt n' Peppa's 'Push It' was a bad dream but it was in fact real ya'll.

Google search words that got you to me this month...
mother mary statues
furiously happy
"don't holocaust me"
"furiously happy"
even super heroes have a bad day
james taylor raisin bran record
looking for a free printable version of there's a mouse in my freaking house
nicole rangers blog schoville
seriously cute shoes
starbucks pumpkin spice latte
Countries that found me this month...
United States - 78
Canada - 18
Russia - 12
Netherlands - 10
Brazil - 10
United Kingdom - 8
Belarus - 8
Colombia - 4
Ukraine - 1
Portugal - 1

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

If Elton John and Madonna Mated....

If Elton John and Madonna mated, you would get Lady Gaga.
Just sayin...

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Beware the Big Bad Gay Spirit

FYI these are just some of the images that pop up when you Google Image 'gay spirit'.
Why was I Google Imaging 'gay spirit'? Read below to find out.
PS - Also read below to find out what Stephen Colbert plans to do about that darn gay spirit on the loose...

Here are some nugget highlights of the many comments on this CNN article about the Georgia pastor coming out of the closet after yet another youth in America took their own life. There were over 500 comments last I checked, most of which were grammatically appalling, unabashedly condemning and just plain stupid. Also most of which were made by those who call themselves Christians. I'm not here to judge - ok, yes I am - as there were several self-proclaimed Christians who supported the pastor's decision to come out, but for those Christians that said he's going to burn in hell and needs to turn away from the 'that life of sin' I say to ya'll: A) You can suck it, and B) REALLY? You call yourselves Christians? Well shame. on. you.

I admit, it's been a while since I cracked open a Bible or sat through a mass that wasn't a wedding or a funeral, but I'm pretty sure that at least some of my years of Catholic upbringing are still in me somewhere and from what I recall, God and Christ's main message is about love and not condemning and stuff, so long as you all love God and Christ, right? Oh and also as long as you're not out killing people and stealing and stuff too. You know, that whole no casting stones thing? And like how ultimately all that judging business takes place when like the world ends. But like I said, it's been a while so feel free to bring me up to date if things have changed since 2005.

Seriously though, for some good laughs today, please read those comments. For some good cringing today, read those comments. Sadly, these boneheads exist. They are sitting next to you in Church or in Starbucks, they are going to school with your children, and hell, they might even be your boss (but luckily not my boss because we've totally had these conversations). Scary freaking stuff ya'll. PPS - My comments are in bold, feel free to leave yours.


The BIBLE SAY WE ARE SUPPOSE TO HAVE THE FRUITS OF THE SPIRIT NOT BE A FRUIT IN THE SPIRIT - Absolutely laughed out loud at the ridiculousness. One little ignorant line from one hugely ignorantly closed mind. You, Lady D., are an idiot.
no nonsense said...
If God really thought one was born gay, then HIV would have probably not been born. Really now, keep gays in the closet and keep them out of the military!!!! No Nonsense this is absolutely nonsense and stupidity. You are nonsense.
F-You said...
God does not exist, you freaking retards. Ok, this is harsh but it made me laugh out loud.
Dan said...
This "pastor" is not a Christian. By definition, a Christian is a follower of Jesus Christ. If you want to follow Jesus, you must turn away from your past sins (whatever they are) and place your faith and trust for salvation in Christ alone. He's the only way. (Jn 14:6) Yes, God is a loving God, but He is also a God who demands obedience. If you willfully sin, you are God's enemy and the bible says that you can only expect judgement and raging fire from God. (Heb 10:26-27)
Do not be deceived, If you want to inherit the Kingdom of Heaven – you must follow Jesus Christ. All those who do not will end up in a fiery furnace known as hell. Turn away from your past way of life and follow Jesus. Do it now – while you still can. It's too late after you die. So basically, if you are gay then you will eventually burn in hell. Thus, lead a life of hell here on earth as you deny who you are and lie to those around you. Live and wallow in your own personal hell while you are living so you may have peace when you die. Um yeah. Stupidist idea ever. Dan, people like you are the reason why these kids would rather off themselves then face the hate that you bring to them.
oleg said...
Well, the term gay was created by media, not by god or some other higher creature. and media is created by evil. I mean, there would be no gay, if there was no term for it. They have created the spirit of Gay. Then gave this "spirit" a name of "Gay" and now this spirit evolves and trying to get stronger. This Gay Spirit is fed by ignorance of ordinary person. The more people think it is OK to be Gay, the stronger this Spirit gets. The more people will fall for it. If we let this Gay Spirit to get stronger, This will undermine the whole human universe. Then, after the Gay Spirit, other evil creatures will follow into our universe.... can't you see people... It is not that these people Gay, they are not, they are lost souls. The Gay spirit takes control over a lost soul... I can see it now, the 'Gay Spirit' costume at Halloween. Ooooohhh, scary. This might have been my favorite. And thank you Jamie, whomever you are, for taking time to reply to his comment...
Jaime said...

What the heck? Man, you are one scary dude. Gay spirit? Please dont reproduce, and if you do, make sure to give your kids up for adoption. That is probably the most comically bone headed thing i have read in a while. I really cant believe you honestly think that is true. You're like a kid living in a fantasy world. There is no gay evil spirit, and if there is then there is also a stupid evil spirit and it's obviously got ahold of you. Looks like youre F-ed
Never fear Jamie and Oleg for Stephen Colbert has the answer as to what to do with the evil gay spirit who is out to undermine the entire universe!

ZIMMERLI01 said...
MAYBE HE SHOULD HAD JUMPED FROM THE BRIDGE TOO BECAUSE IN FRONT OF GOD, HE MIGHT BE DEAD ANYWAYS!! You SUCK Zimmer. Maybe you should jump from a bridge and take your stupid hate with you. Ok, don't jump from a bridge but pretty please, just stop talking.
welches, oregon said...
I believe everyone has missed the point – if being gay were more acceptable, than the suicide would not have happened. So, more gay people in prominence are stepping forth in an effort to see being gay as more acceptable. Being gay will never stop, just as being hetro will never stop. Thank you Welches, Oregon.
So, read for yourself. Decide for yourself. Just don't be an idiot. Don't hate.