Friday, October 15, 2010

Tales of a First Class Poser

This is me, Schovillova, writing from - brace yourself - First freaking Class. Yup, suddenly my lack of Xanex? Not such a big deal. As I sit here happily in my First Class seat and wait for the Business Classers to herd their way by, I chuckle to myself thinking If they only knew....

True story I managed to get to the airport 90 minutes early, which, if you know me at all, you know that never happens. Last Minute Molly, that's me. But not today. Kev and I were on it. 3 hours of sleep and we're amazingly efficient. Upon check-in I'm prompted to upgrade to First Class. On any other day I would scoff indignantly, but today, the prompt came with the super-low price of $60. Seriously? The prompt then went on to tease me with free check-in luggage, free lunch and free booze! So, what the hell? Let's do this First Class thing!

From check-in to gate, the process took a whopping 7 minutes and I got more smiles and have-a-nice-trips than I think I have in my life time. Oh, flying First Class today Mrs. Schoville? (notice the correct pronunciation of the last name) Well then have a fantastic flight and excellent day! I'm not kidding folks. That actually happened. I almost gave myself away by saying something to the effect of Oh really? So if I was flying Business Class you'd want me to have a shitty day? But I didn't. I smiled back – grinned like an idiot actually – and said Thanks! You too!!!! I was on my way to First Class, old blue jeans, Beetles t-shirt, flip flops and all. When I go to the gate though, reality krept in. I glanced down at my toes in horror as I realized that my flip-flop wearing feet were not even remotely in first Class condition. Why did I miss that pedicure appointment the other day!? I quickly whipped out my bottle of Essie Material Girl #617 and went to town, hoping that this didn't give me away. Ah, success.

I admit, I was a bit giddy. I've never flown FC. Was it all that people say it is? Do you really get warm towelettes and eye pillows? Drinks before take-off? Seats that recline and private restrooms? I couldn't wait to find out and so now I'm (finally) here to dispel for you, fact from crap when it comes to First Class flyin...

Fact. You're number one. First through Security and first to board. It's almost like the parting of the Red Sea. People just get out of your way and smile ear to ear.

Crap. No pre-flight bevs in First Class. Sad. Those don't appear until post takeoff and post-moist towelette – see below.

Fact. Sweet seats. Roomy, and soft. I'm sitting cross-legged as I type and I could swear I feel lower lumbar support. The seat in front of me has a padded backing to it, and behind that is a lovely little plastic-wrapped red blanket! Remember those? They still exist – in First Class of course.

Crap. The seats must stay in an upright position. At least on this flight. Balls. And altho cozy, they're almost a little too high tech for me for I'm still not sure where my tray is. It's definitely not in the seat in front of me and it seemed to have appeared out for nowhere for the guy next to me. I fear that asking would most certainly give my poser self away.

Fact. Moist towelettes. Even before we make it to cruising altitude the HOT moist towelettes are being distributed by tongs. I totally flinched as it dropped into my cupped hands. SHIT! That's HOT! I screamed internally. But a quick glance around at my fellow FC-er's said that the temp was totally normal. Normal. Ha. Taking their cues I quickly toweled off my hands (why am I doing this?) and opted not to towel off my face and head (perhaps if I was bald I guess I would have). Yep, just another day in First Class.

Fact. DRINKS ARE FREE! A bloody mary to start and red wine to finish. Not only that, but they keep walking around trying to top me off. Scary. Do they know it's only noon in Dallas?

Crap. Not so sweet restrooms. They're normal, just like any other restroom found in Business Class. Damn. I even brought my camera in there just in case.

Fact. Things are down-right toasty in FC. Post towelettes and upon my FREE drink order I was handed a little white dish (as in dishes, as in glassware) of toasted (or nuked) mixed nuts. Think about it.

Fact. Lunch is a real lunch and it is free. And hot. And a lot. Yep, I feasted on Chicken Parm, green beans, a lovely little side salad and a bag of pita chips and side of hummus. And it came with a real linen napkin, utensils that did not bend or melt upon cutting, and real dishware. My tray also came stocked with a little wine glass which of course was expected to be filled promptly, hence the red wine follow-up that I'd in no way budgeted for emotionally but oh well, what's a First Class flier to do? Oh, and after the lunch dishes were cleared, a little warm macadamia nut and cranberry cookie was passed out with guess what – warm towelettes.

Crap. There are no eye pillows. There weren't any that I could detect however I'm confident that if I'd asked for one it would have appeared promptly.

Take off and landing was smooth as butter and I had my new Furiously Happy Mix playing in my ears. I was even totally cordial to the man next to me on the plane who let me know that they'd asked for us to turn off all electronic devices during take off. Since I'm off the Xanex sir, it's either music in my ears or I squeeze the crap out of your hand while I curl into fetal position in my huge First Class seat... But I didn't say that. Instead I smiled really big, embracing my inner furious happy, and simply said Thank you sir, but I really need the music to keep me calm. He just shrugged and went back to his book, judging from the cover it was something about Obama, and the Devil, and the End of Days. Gotta love First Class.

Cau for now folks


Queen Kandis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Queen Kandis said...

I flew First Class once. Probably one of the best days of my entire life. Mimosas and an omelette and fruit bowl. Every flight since then has been hell on Earth.

Why am I not surprised that you have nail polish in your carry on bag? Do you still carry a dictionary in your purse?

Schovillova said...

If the plane goes down and I'm stuck on an island, that nail polish and dictionary will be worth a LOT.