Tuesday, November 30, 2010

2 Reasons Why My Sister is Awesome...


1. She and Whole Foods are like this. Not really actually. She has gotten a total of 6 rejection letters from Whole Foods although she's pretty sure she's only applied for a job with them like 2 or 3 times. The more letters she gets the harder she laughs.

2. She's gonna be a body model. Or she might be. I've got my fingers crossed. There's a company in Seattle that makes these bad boys:


She answered an add for 'odd body sizes' to be fitted for the body sling. If she gets the gig it'll be kinda awesome because a) it's quick cash and b) if I buy one and hang out it in it, it'll be like she's hugging me or something and I really miss her. Is that weird? That's weird isn't it.

So in case you haven't figured it out, she's looking for a job. Are you hiring? She's brilliant and has an excellent sense of humor. Think about it.

PS - I left the name of the body sling company out on purpose because I don't want to jinx anything.

***Update 8/29/11***


Sadly the body model thing never came to fruition, they may have read this post.  However... Whole Foods finally came a knockin' and not only has she been employed by them for the past 4 months, but they downright created a position for her because she interviewed so well and they really wanted her, they just weren't quite sure where to put her. She was recently moved to full time because you know, she's awesome.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Sunflower Seeds - Not as Easy as They Look.

Ron Washington made it look too easy.


Apparently we're due for a trip to the grocery store because I am currently snacking (or trying to) on a bag of sunflower seeds that that we got as part of our swag at The Drumstick Dash the other morning. And what's even more apparent is the fact that I am out of practice when it comes to the art of sunflower seed consumption. I just can't do it and I've wasted the past 30 minutes and half the bag trying. Every time I barely bite down to open the seed, it all splinters and cracks and falls apart. All I have to show for my efforts is a sad pile of soggy splintered shells containing soggy splintered seeds. I know it's not supposed to be this difficult. I'm exhausted.

Black Friday: The Case for Cyber Monday Grows and Here's Why...

As you know, I'm oddly fascinated by most strange things, and in this post we discuss a growing little phenomenon - a carnival of capitalism if you will - known as Black Friday. Every year tops the one before it, and while I personally opt to hunker down on the couch and nurse Thanksgiving food and beverage hangovers (and save my energy for Cyber Monday), I look forward not to the Black Friday shopping experience, but the aftermath of it the next morning.

Like I can't wait to get up the Saturday morning after and scan the online articles, taking in the body counts, the incarcerated, the riots, and the number of advertised deals that weren't ever really great deals to begin with, but just enough to get the poor shmoes through the door, all for the sake of saving a few bucks. But then after you add up the bail money, the stolen merchandise from cars and sometimes even the fee for towed vehicles after said shmoes park on medians, sidewalks and in fire lanes - again, all for the sake of saving a few bucks, I say to thee Was it worth it?? And also? It's called CYBER MONDAY YA'LL!!

I admit I was relieved to not have been greeted this morning with headlines of Black Friday death, like at the Long Island Wal-Mart 2 years ago, but I still managed to find some shameful little nuggets for you to chew on:

- 3 women in West Palm Beach reported that over $1000 worth of Best Buy purchases were stolen from their car only minutes after locking them in there so they could head to the JC Penny's just next to Best Buy. They were most upset about the fact that they'd been camping out since Wednesday night (you know, the day before Thanksgiving) so they could be the first into Best Buy on Friday morning. That's called karma for ditching your family on Thanksgiving ladies.

- A woman at a Toys R Us in Madison, WI was arrested after threatening to shoot the hundreds of people that she had just cut ahead of in line if they didn't let her pass. I just wanted to get my daughter the toy that she wanted for Christmas and I knew it would be gone if I waited until the next day to get it. AWesome. Not only will that little girl not get that toy at Christmas, but now she may not even get her mom at Christmas. Well done.

- Shoppers in Target in Buffalo, NY were trampled upon entering the store as line jumpers quickly and violently pushed their way to the front of the lines as the doors opened at midnight. Check it out - Doesn't it look like FUN?


- A marine was stabbed at a Toys for Tots drive when he attempted to take down a shoplifter. So not only do we have to worry about being trampled while shopping, but we must now worry about being stabbed or impaled. Speaking of which...

- A man was arrested for carrying a gun with extra rounds, 2 knives and a pepper grenade while shopping at a Wal-Mart in Boynton, FL. He did not use them or threaten to use them, but they were noticed by a fellow shopper who then alerted security. Black Friday is clearly a dangerous sport.

In closing, I beg you to please consider cyber deals when holiday shopping. You can do this from the comfort of your own couch, in your pj's, with wine or coffee and Thanksgiving leftovers, and for the most part, weapon free. And guess what, all of those stores that offer the Black Friday deals, also offer some rocking Cyber Monday deals as well. So then, you don't have to participate in shenanigans like this...

Monday, November 22, 2010

Return to Nuggets


I think I just needed a little distance from the book for a while, thus the lag in nuggets that I'd promised to delve to you slowly weeks ago. You know, the book that showed up on my doorstep, written by an uncle whom, it turns out, I did meet once but I was too young to remember, written about my biological grandfather whom I also apparently met at the same time as said uncle but again, too young to recall that momentous occasion. I still haven't read it all the way through, unlike Kevin who devoured it in a matter of days. His feedback? Huh. It was inneresting (because he really does say 'interesting' that way and I love him for it).
INNERESTING?! That's all you've got? That's all you have to say about the memoirs of a sociopathic cult leading narcissist who just happens to share my DNA?? He shrugged. At least the kid doesn't judge. Unlike me. I felt so exposed even though really, the person in the book is nothing to do with me. Nada. Nill. Zilch. That has become my mantra. And then my dad told me they're making a movie. Splendid.

Without further ado, Nugget #2
(page 66 paragraph 6 so when you put them together it makes '666'. Inneresting.)
It's not that I really had anything against Greek freaks, it's just that I wanted to be BMOC (Big Man on Campus). I succeeded, however briefly, in reaching my goal. And I did it with anti-fraternity/sorority ridiculing and denigrating to rouse the rabble, just as madman Hitler had done by making Jews the scapegoats for all of Germany's ills. It was as easy for me as it had been for Hitler.

Ya hear that? He fancies himself to be like Hitler. Hitler. Ya'll.

Cau for now.
Or should I say Auf wiedersehen.


PS - The whole collegiate Hitler stage was merely testing the waters for his eventual career in brain washing and the art of mass manipulation and no I'm not kidding so stay tuned for more nuggets.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

It's called 'preemptive', bitches, and other bizarre things I heard Friday Night

It's called 'preemptive', bitches is only one of the many bizarre things that I heard the other night on the Snuggie Crawl. You thought I was kidding when I said that in my last post. Like I made it up just to excuse the total randomness of my last post? But no. Totally true story. I survived my first Snuggie Crawl and even managed to hold on to my sobriety just so I could remember all the crazy I witnessed and tell about the next day. And so I could run the next day but whatever. At 30 minutes before the event started I was informed that not only were Snuggies really required, but that people actually themed their ensembles. Alissa had a whole hunting theme thing going on. Me, welp, what else was I gonna wear with that royal blue at a moment's notice?

It's called 'preemptive', bitches was the response that I got when a very aggressive type A who kind of scared me a little was gushing about her addiction to botox (like she actually hosts the parties at her house kind of addiction) and I simply commented that she doesn't look like she's old enough to need it. It's called 'preemptive', bitches as she pointed to her forehead with super-wide eyes and a god, are you a total idiot or what look on her face. Oh. That was my witty come-back. I felt side-swiped. Naively I'd thought I'd left that kind of attitude and thinking behind when I left Dallas, but Friday night I realized that it had actually spread to the Midwest. Like Killer Bees or Bird Flu or something. Toxic.

You said you were ready for us to open the door! was exclaimed by my 2 New Friends that I'd made as their Super Obnoxious Friend timberred backwards like a falling tree out of the bathroom and onto the barroom floor. Now picture that again with Super Obnoxious Girl wearing a camouflaged Snuggie and stilettos. Had Alissa and I not side-stepped the door as it blasted open, we would have wound up in a pile of Snuggie carnage.

I'll buy your friend a beer if she answers 5 questions wrong. Clearly it's been a while since I was in a bar without Kev and things seem to have gotten more competitive - and more stupid. So this totally cheesy guy walks up to me, Alissa and another new friend (who at the age of TWENTY-FOUR was complaining about being too old to be in bars anymore - um, what?) and says just that: I'll buy your friend a beer if she answers 5 questions wrong. Long story short, the idea is for the person to answer 4 totally easy questions like what's you name and are you wearing a Snuggie and give the wrong answer. The catch is supposed to be the 5th question which is have you played this game before to which one would automatically say 'no', thus causing the totally cheesy guys of the world to rejoice in your accidental truth and not have to buy you a beer. So when our Totally Cheesy Guy clicked his heels in delight, the World's Oldest 24-Year Old totally dead-panned and said How do you know I've never played this game? Maybe I have and I actually just answered the last question wrong and maybe you owe me that beer after all. Oh snap, The World's Smartest 24-Year Old got her beer and Totally Cheesy Guy Moved on in defeat.

Wanna see pictures of my kids from the last 3 years? So Crazy Plastic Surgeon Chick did not actually say that out loud but I know she was thinking it when she casually mentioned her kids and why she hasn't been to pilates since she had them (people always seem compelled to confess how long it's been since they worked out and all their reasons why when they find out that I teach pilates, it's weird) while Alissa and I were standing in line for the bathroom. Next thing we knew we were going through a 16G iphone worth of photos of her ridiculously good-looking children and husband (who is a photographer so the pictures were even more ridiculously good-looking) for 15 minutes straight. Luckily we were saved by a super obnoxious camo-clad Snuggie girl falling backwards like a tree out of the bathroom door.

Can you hold my Snuggie up while I pee? was heard and not actually witnessed, thank god. But still, totally made me almost pee my Snuggie.

All in all it was a fun night. You should know that it was actually a fund-raiser and not just another night out in Naptown. I'd say at most we were about 70 Snuggies strong so it was quite a sight to behold. And really, it was kind of awesome wearing a Snuggie in a bar on a cold Fall night. Obviously my days of Snuggie trashing are over.

Cau for now.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

The Flux Capacitor Liveth

Serious props to the folks at Blogger for gifting us bloggers the ability to see who and how people are finding our blogs. The 'who' is limited to country (which totally fascinates me) and the 'how' gives you linking sites and search words. There are a bunch of other stats, all the way down to the year, month, week and day, but these 2 are the ones that I get most geeked about. Riveting, right?

For example, this month, folks who were looking for 'Mother Mary Statues', wound up on my site eight times. Hilarious. Boy I bet they were surprised when they saw these. Here's hoping that they find humor in headless Mary's. I also got a kick out of 'James Taylor raisin bran record' which I tried to google and somehow I didn't find me. And really? Why is someone googling that anyway? Totally weird. But now I wonder if when I publish this post, will it link me to me for real? Crazy. It'll be like time traveling without the machine. Or at least without the machine that we think of when we refer to time traveling like the one from Back to the Future because it'll still be a machine, only it's a computer machine. Crazy. I'm fluxing my capacitor now...

Awesome. I am now at the top of the list when googling James Taylor Raisin Bran Record folks. It's kind of like playing google god. But now I'm touched with the moral dilemma as to whether or not I just upset the balance of the universe of something. Like I just made the self fulfilling James Taylor Raisin Bran Record prophecy come true and it's going to start raining green from the sky - UGH! Sometimes I feel like whole blogging thing gives folks just a little too much power and I may have just abused mine for the very first time. It was scary and a rush all in one. And by the way I totally apologize for the randomness of all of this but I think I'm still reeling from my evening out Snuggie Crawling through Broadripple. I woke up this morning thinking that seeing Lady Gaga Snuggie, Sponge Bob Snuggie, and Santa Snuggie all grinding in a line to Salt n' Peppa's 'Push It' was a bad dream but it was in fact real ya'll.

Google search words that got you to me this month...
schovillova
mother mary statues
furiously happy
betsywantssomenutsandcider
schovillova.blogspot.com
"don't holocaust me"
"furiously happy"
even super heroes have a bad day
james taylor raisin bran record
looking for a free printable version of there's a mouse in my freaking house
nicole rangers blog schoville
seriously cute shoes
starbucks pumpkin spice latte
Countries that found me this month...
United States - 78
Canada - 18
Russia - 12
Netherlands - 10
Brazil - 10
United Kingdom - 8
Belarus - 8
Colombia - 4
Ukraine - 1
Portugal - 1

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

If Elton John and Madonna Mated....

If Elton John and Madonna mated, you would get Lady Gaga.
Just sayin...

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Beware the Big Bad Gay Spirit


FYI these are just some of the images that pop up when you Google Image 'gay spirit'.
Why was I Google Imaging 'gay spirit'? Read below to find out.
PS - Also read below to find out what Stephen Colbert plans to do about that darn gay spirit on the loose...

Here are some nugget highlights of the many comments on this CNN article about the Georgia pastor coming out of the closet after yet another youth in America took their own life. There were over 500 comments last I checked, most of which were grammatically appalling, unabashedly condemning and just plain stupid. Also most of which were made by those who call themselves Christians. I'm not here to judge - ok, yes I am - as there were several self-proclaimed Christians who supported the pastor's decision to come out, but for those Christians that said he's going to burn in hell and needs to turn away from the 'that life of sin' I say to ya'll: A) You can suck it, and B) REALLY? You call yourselves Christians? Well shame. on. you.

I admit, it's been a while since I cracked open a Bible or sat through a mass that wasn't a wedding or a funeral, but I'm pretty sure that at least some of my years of Catholic upbringing are still in me somewhere and from what I recall, God and Christ's main message is about love and not condemning and stuff, so long as you all love God and Christ, right? Oh and also as long as you're not out killing people and stealing and stuff too. You know, that whole no casting stones thing? And like how ultimately all that judging business takes place when like the world ends. But like I said, it's been a while so feel free to bring me up to date if things have changed since 2005.

Seriously though, for some good laughs today, please read those comments. For some good cringing today, read those comments. Sadly, these boneheads exist. They are sitting next to you in Church or in Starbucks, they are going to school with your children, and hell, they might even be your boss (but luckily not my boss because we've totally had these conversations). Scary freaking stuff ya'll. PPS - My comments are in bold, feel free to leave yours.

LADY D.

The BIBLE SAY WE ARE SUPPOSE TO HAVE THE FRUITS OF THE SPIRIT NOT BE A FRUIT IN THE SPIRIT - Absolutely laughed out loud at the ridiculousness. One little ignorant line from one hugely ignorantly closed mind. You, Lady D., are an idiot.
no nonsense said...
If God really thought one was born gay, then HIV would have probably not been born. Really now, keep gays in the closet and keep them out of the military!!!! No Nonsense this is absolutely nonsense and stupidity. You are nonsense.
F-You said...
God does not exist, you freaking retards. Ok, this is harsh but it made me laugh out loud.
Dan said...
This "pastor" is not a Christian. By definition, a Christian is a follower of Jesus Christ. If you want to follow Jesus, you must turn away from your past sins (whatever they are) and place your faith and trust for salvation in Christ alone. He's the only way. (Jn 14:6) Yes, God is a loving God, but He is also a God who demands obedience. If you willfully sin, you are God's enemy and the bible says that you can only expect judgement and raging fire from God. (Heb 10:26-27)
Do not be deceived, If you want to inherit the Kingdom of Heaven – you must follow Jesus Christ. All those who do not will end up in a fiery furnace known as hell. Turn away from your past way of life and follow Jesus. Do it now – while you still can. It's too late after you die. So basically, if you are gay then you will eventually burn in hell. Thus, lead a life of hell here on earth as you deny who you are and lie to those around you. Live and wallow in your own personal hell while you are living so you may have peace when you die. Um yeah. Stupidist idea ever. Dan, people like you are the reason why these kids would rather off themselves then face the hate that you bring to them.
oleg said...
Well, the term gay was created by media, not by god or some other higher creature. and media is created by evil. I mean, there would be no gay, if there was no term for it. They have created the spirit of Gay. Then gave this "spirit" a name of "Gay" and now this spirit evolves and trying to get stronger. This Gay Spirit is fed by ignorance of ordinary person. The more people think it is OK to be Gay, the stronger this Spirit gets. The more people will fall for it. If we let this Gay Spirit to get stronger, This will undermine the whole human universe. Then, after the Gay Spirit, other evil creatures will follow into our universe.... can't you see people... It is not that these people Gay, they are not, they are lost souls. The Gay spirit takes control over a lost soul... I can see it now, the 'Gay Spirit' costume at Halloween. Ooooohhh, scary. This might have been my favorite. And thank you Jamie, whomever you are, for taking time to reply to his comment...
Jaime said...

@OLEG
What the heck? Man, you are one scary dude. Gay spirit? Please dont reproduce, and if you do, make sure to give your kids up for adoption. That is probably the most comically bone headed thing i have read in a while. I really cant believe you honestly think that is true. You're like a kid living in a fantasy world. There is no gay evil spirit, and if there is then there is also a stupid evil spirit and it's obviously got ahold of you. Looks like youre F-ed
Never fear Jamie and Oleg for Stephen Colbert has the answer as to what to do with the evil gay spirit who is out to undermine the entire universe!

ZIMMERLI01 said...
MAYBE HE SHOULD HAD JUMPED FROM THE BRIDGE TOO BECAUSE IN FRONT OF GOD, HE MIGHT BE DEAD ANYWAYS!! You SUCK Zimmer. Maybe you should jump from a bridge and take your stupid hate with you. Ok, don't jump from a bridge but pretty please, just stop talking.
welches, oregon said...
I believe everyone has missed the point – if being gay were more acceptable, than the suicide would not have happened. So, more gay people in prominence are stepping forth in an effort to see being gay as more acceptable. Being gay will never stop, just as being hetro will never stop. Thank you Welches, Oregon.
So, read for yourself. Decide for yourself. Just don't be an idiot. Don't hate.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

For a Good Time...

Go to Mike's Car Wash.
For the record I'm not getting any kickbacks for posting this shout out but Mike if you're listening, I'm totally not opposed to it.
Please tell me I'm not alone in thinking that Mike's Car Wash is a good time. I kid you not, it does just the trick to turn my frown upside down every time. The other day Christmas came early and there was a Groupon for 3 'The Works' washes for $20 bucks - That's like a $40 savings ya'll!
The fact that I'd just been to Mike's the day before that Groupon arrived in my inbox did not deter me, it only made me more excited because although I'd wanted to get the works last Sunday, I just wan't quite feeling the 20 bucks love that it was gonna cost me to drive Ol' Blue through 'The Works' wash. But now? Totally worth it.
No matter which location you go to, there are always an array of friends from your favorite casts of characters who will be there to greet you throughout your journey. Sesame Street, Sponge Bob, Upsidedown Batman, the Taz, and Mickey. Veneer by José González is also and excellent musical accompaniment if you're taking any recommendations. Yep, this is a good place to go to just put things in neutral for 10 solid minutes and let someone else do the work. You should try it some time.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Sa Vie en Rose


He's 5.

When I was 6 or 7, Chauncey was a boy in my class who used to ask me to bring my little red Cover Girl make up kit to school. We'd hide inside the big tire on the playground after school - although back then I just thought we were 'hiding' so no one else would join us. Years later I realize Chauncey was hiding for another reason.

I remember popping open a little hidden compartment "click" that housed the eye shadow brushes, and then popping open "click" again, the compartment on the other side that housed the shadows. There were four and Chauncey always picked the sparkley sky blue, you know, because it was the 80's. He'd close his eyes and lean in, smiling wide as the brush stroked his eye lids. When I was finished he'd lean back and open his eyes, grinning like it was Christmas Day. That's when I'd slap the blush on him, when his cheeks were wide and full, a big perfect pink circle on each cheek. I was always jealous of the way the pink showed up on his black skin, I used to tell him that I wished I was black so blush would look so pretty on me. Last came the lip gloss. Next it was my turn and we'd sit and bask in the glory of our make overs until we'd run back inside the school house - yes, it really was a school house in Old East Dallas - to wash it off before our moms came to get us.

Our fun came to an end the day that Marlow Marcy found us in our tire. He was so horrible as he laughed and pointed at Chauncey. Other kids gathered around to watch. I'd never experienced something so absolutely mean before. I stood in front of Chauncey as if trying to protect him from the invisible mean lazer that was shooting from the tip of Marlow's finger, hitting Chauncey square in the chest. I can't remember what I said that day for I'd had a lot of pent up anger towards Marlow for years, after all, he was the one who told me how babies were made. When you're that young you can't believe your parents would ever do something so horrible and disgusting - and how Santa, the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny all ultimately did not exist.

With my hands on my hips with my chest puffed out (that was during my Wonder Woman phase) I can remember thinking how horrible and ugly Marlow looked as he threw his head back, cackling, pointing, spitting as he spewed his insults. He was a spitter by nature when he talked. I wish I could say that I kicked Marlow's ass that day but Karma took care of that years later. Chauncey was in tears. Tears streaking his beautiful pink cheeks. That was our last playground makeover. I never forgave Marlow and Chauncey was never the same after that. I wish I knew what happened to him.

Why am I telling you this? It all came rushing back tonight after reading this story which landed in my inbox today. An amazing story from an extremely amazing mother. So read it. Learn from it. Take note and love your kids. Love those kids. Teach your kids to love those kids. Please?

PS - If you haven't already seen it - or even if you have - watch Ma Vie en Rose, not to be mistaken for La Vie en Rose which is also beautiful and tragic but in a totally different way.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

News of the Crazy

randy-quaid-evi-seek-refuge.jpg

Seriously, you can't make this stuff up. Who wants to go in with me on movie rights?

This is real ya'll, or so says Perez...

WHAT?!?

We truly can't believe how crazy this story is getting.

Randy and Evi Quaid were arrested in Vancouver on Wednesday after police discovered that the couple were wanted on several outstanding warrants in the U.S. for failing to show up in court.

And now the couple is asking for refuge in Canada because they feel they are being persecuted in the U.S. and may be "murdered" under suspicious circumstances.

During their immigration hearing, they have asked to seek asylum so that they can escape "Hollywood star whackers" who they believe murdered David Carradine and Heath Ledger.

OMG!!! Are they serious???? What the hell??

To make things even more unbelievable, Quaid says he did not go to Canada to escape the warrants, but instead was considering relocating to Vancouver to restart his career. During the hearing, he replied, "I love Canada. It's been a very welcoming nation to me. I would not do anything to besmirch my reputation."

Too late, buddy, too late!! Randy Quaid makes National Lampoon's Cousin Eddie look completely normal and sane.


Monday, November 1, 2010

1-4





Final
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
R
H
E

San Francisco000000300370




Texas000000100131


WP: T. Lincecum (2-0) S: B. Wilson (1)
LP: C. Lee (0-2)


Word up ya'll, who'da thought the Texas Rangers would have made it this far this season? We had our hopes for the AL West and I would have been totally happy with that. But they just didn't stop there. They kept going and the fans came out of the wood work - finally. Sadly they lost tonight in game 5 of the World Series against the SF Giants but my Rangers hat goes off to those guys as well. Kinda scrappy, lots of youth, and damn good pitching. I didn't hate them. On the upside, this season finally put the Rangers back on the map and reminded the world that we (you know, because I'm one of them) do exist. Except our bullpen. They need to get freaking serious. Also on the upside was my October post count - I was on fire!

So what am I going to write about now? No Lost, no baseball, but at least elections are TOMORROW and as I wade my way through that book - you know, the one about the biological grandfather whom I've never met penned by the biological half-uncle whom I've also never met? - I will drop some nuggets of insight for you from time to time just cuz you gotta read it to believe it.

Nugget #1, page 2: I was destined to follow in the footsteps of my third cousin, Sir Muhammad Lowry, who, according to genealogists and historians, wrote the classic poem 'Beowulf' in 1017 A.D. Yes, it actually says that and I'm pretty sure he wasn't kidding. If anyone out there can actually prove that little nugget then I will gladly eat crow. But until that happens I say to you...
seriously?
Cau for now and get out the vote folks!

**Update**
According to my mom's comment in the previous post, I have met Biograndf before but was too young to remember. Inneresting.