Sunday, November 21, 2010

It's called 'preemptive', bitches, and other bizarre things I heard Friday Night

It's called 'preemptive', bitches is only one of the many bizarre things that I heard the other night on the Snuggie Crawl. You thought I was kidding when I said that in my last post. Like I made it up just to excuse the total randomness of my last post? But no. Totally true story. I survived my first Snuggie Crawl and even managed to hold on to my sobriety just so I could remember all the crazy I witnessed and tell about the next day. And so I could run the next day but whatever. At 30 minutes before the event started I was informed that not only were Snuggies really required, but that people actually themed their ensembles. Alissa had a whole hunting theme thing going on. Me, welp, what else was I gonna wear with that royal blue at a moment's notice?

It's called 'preemptive', bitches was the response that I got when a very aggressive type A who kind of scared me a little was gushing about her addiction to botox (like she actually hosts the parties at her house kind of addiction) and I simply commented that she doesn't look like she's old enough to need it. It's called 'preemptive', bitches as she pointed to her forehead with super-wide eyes and a god, are you a total idiot or what look on her face. Oh. That was my witty come-back. I felt side-swiped. Naively I'd thought I'd left that kind of attitude and thinking behind when I left Dallas, but Friday night I realized that it had actually spread to the Midwest. Like Killer Bees or Bird Flu or something. Toxic.

You said you were ready for us to open the door! was exclaimed by my 2 New Friends that I'd made as their Super Obnoxious Friend timberred backwards like a falling tree out of the bathroom and onto the barroom floor. Now picture that again with Super Obnoxious Girl wearing a camouflaged Snuggie and stilettos. Had Alissa and I not side-stepped the door as it blasted open, we would have wound up in a pile of Snuggie carnage.

I'll buy your friend a beer if she answers 5 questions wrong. Clearly it's been a while since I was in a bar without Kev and things seem to have gotten more competitive - and more stupid. So this totally cheesy guy walks up to me, Alissa and another new friend (who at the age of TWENTY-FOUR was complaining about being too old to be in bars anymore - um, what?) and says just that: I'll buy your friend a beer if she answers 5 questions wrong. Long story short, the idea is for the person to answer 4 totally easy questions like what's you name and are you wearing a Snuggie and give the wrong answer. The catch is supposed to be the 5th question which is have you played this game before to which one would automatically say 'no', thus causing the totally cheesy guys of the world to rejoice in your accidental truth and not have to buy you a beer. So when our Totally Cheesy Guy clicked his heels in delight, the World's Oldest 24-Year Old totally dead-panned and said How do you know I've never played this game? Maybe I have and I actually just answered the last question wrong and maybe you owe me that beer after all. Oh snap, The World's Smartest 24-Year Old got her beer and Totally Cheesy Guy Moved on in defeat.

Wanna see pictures of my kids from the last 3 years? So Crazy Plastic Surgeon Chick did not actually say that out loud but I know she was thinking it when she casually mentioned her kids and why she hasn't been to pilates since she had them (people always seem compelled to confess how long it's been since they worked out and all their reasons why when they find out that I teach pilates, it's weird) while Alissa and I were standing in line for the bathroom. Next thing we knew we were going through a 16G iphone worth of photos of her ridiculously good-looking children and husband (who is a photographer so the pictures were even more ridiculously good-looking) for 15 minutes straight. Luckily we were saved by a super obnoxious camo-clad Snuggie girl falling backwards like a tree out of the bathroom door.

Can you hold my Snuggie up while I pee? was heard and not actually witnessed, thank god. But still, totally made me almost pee my Snuggie.

All in all it was a fun night. You should know that it was actually a fund-raiser and not just another night out in Naptown. I'd say at most we were about 70 Snuggies strong so it was quite a sight to behold. And really, it was kind of awesome wearing a Snuggie in a bar on a cold Fall night. Obviously my days of Snuggie trashing are over.

Cau for now.

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