Sunday, December 19, 2010

Review: The Tourist

Forget Your Passport and Stay Home Ya'll.

I blame Kevin.  We were supposed to go and see 'Black Swan', a sure crowd pleaser.  No need to look up the reviews on that one, it's already got the nominations and Facebook buzz to back-up it's greatness.  The Tourist however, does not and I am so not surprised.  So Kevin comes down with a bug of some sort which leaves Kate and I to our own devices and like any practical women at a theater sans male counterparts, we're gonna go straight for the Johnny Depp movie.  Who needs a review when it's Johnny Depp?

Sometimes(all the time) it drives me a wee bit crazy when Kev just has to read the reviews before going to see a movie.  Like every. single. time.  Anything less than a B and we wait for it to come out on cable.  Oh wait, I mean Netflix.  In doing so we end up almost always getting our money's worth (except for Inception - that was bad).  So I get it, there's method to the kid's madness and after last night's train wreck of a movie I will never mock him again.  I mean seriously, I wish the train in the first 5 minutes of the movie had actually wrecked and ended the movie but that didn't happen and I was left wasting the next 138 minutes of my life thinking for the love of god, please end.

I'd say that I don't want to spoil anything for you just in case you decide to waste 143 minutes of your precious existence watching this flick, but really, I do want to spoil it just so you won't go see it.  Consider this an early Christmas present from me to you.  You're welcome.  

Jolie plays the ridiculously beautiful undercover agent/woman in love who is being followed by British intelligence and some mafioso gangster guys with really bad Russian accents.  Their following tactics had me reeling as they drove 5 paces behind her in a van as she walked the narrow streets of Venice.  Like they drove 5 mph, right freaking behind her.  They all want to find this Alex Pierce dude who has been eluding them all for 2 years, owing a gazillion dollars in taxes to the British government, a couple billion in stolen geeds to the mafioso and who has promised a love-lorn Jolie that he will find her.  Ugh.  

Enter Johnny Depp, a somewhat bumbling math teacher from the Midwest who is chosen 'at random' on a train to act as a decoy for the Brits and apes. And of course, in a few days time, the cat and mouse has him running across tiled roof tops in his pj's and being handcuffed to a boat in a canal which is towed at moderate speed by Jolie as they attempt to outrun them all.  Hands down 2 of the most painful chase scenes ever.  I can't even really do any of it real justice with words because it was just that bad.  And if you go expecting any sort of chemistry between the lead roles then you will be severely disappointed in that as well.  I was absolutely shocked at the glaring lack of chemistry between Jolie and Depp.  It was like Brad Pitt had willed the chemistry to not exist - kind of like the supposed hot love scene that he demanded be left on the editing room floor.  Inneresting.  And somehow we were still supposed to believe that in those few days (and honestly very little dialog between the two) they fell in love.  Awww.  The constipated longing glances and a stiff-lipped kiss had me giggling uncomfortably.  It was so so bad.  But in the end after an incredibly anticlimactic showdown with all our old friends, it was the the sparkless duo that outsmarted them all as they sailed off into the sunset of the Italian Riviera.  And by the way, Depp ended up being the ever-elusive Mr. Pierce with a 20 million dollar new face.  Shocker.

So there you go boys and girls.  This flick registered a whopping C- on my moviedar.  A little generous perhaps but the scenery was killer, except for when they showed Jolie and Depp on the speed boat from the front, and the scenery and water around the boat were superimposed and stupid looking.  I could swear I saw a corner of the fan that was blowing on their faces, making us believe that they were in a high-speed water chase.  That deserved an F.  

PS - We did go and see '127 Hours' last weekend and that is a great movie.  It rated an A- on the ol' moviedar and Santa if you're listening I must have that soundtrack.  But be fore-warned, do not go to that flick if you are prone to motion sickness, seizures, sleep, nausea, or have an aversion to decapitating body parts and plucking exposed nerves like violin strings.  And I'm not giving anything away by saying that because it's based on a true story.  But seriously, one dude passed right the frack out unconscious during the amputation scene and minutes later some other dude passed out and began to snore loudly.  Go figure.  I think I'll stick to my Netflix for a while.

Cau for now.

1 comment:

Queen Kandis said...

Roger Ebert already saved me from wasting money on The Tourist. Roger never steers me wrong.