Dr. Doom (Obviously not his real name but I was either going to refer to him as that or Dr. Douche Canoe and really, Dr. Doom is easier to write over and over again.): Good morning ...(quick glance at my file) Nicole, what brings you in?
Me: I'd like to get my thyroid checked for these reasons: blah, blah, blah, and blah.
Dr. Doom: Ok (glance) Nicole, I should tell you though, about 97% of people who ask to get it checked, it turns out they're fine and they just need to lose weight. zing.
Me: Well Doc, I've been working out regularly and eating pretty well and it just hasn't been helping. In fact, it seems to be having the opposite effect.
Dr. Doom: Well, I hate to tell you this, but didn't you know that exercise won't necessarily help you lose weight?
Me: Um, no actually, that is brand-new information.
Dr. Doom: Didn't you see that article in TIME last year?
Me: Which one, there were like 52 issues that year.
Dr. Doom: The one that was about how exercise won't make you lose weight because when people exercise they usually end up indulging in more calories than they actually burn as a reward for working out, and as a result cancelling out all effects of working out.
And I'm like: I don't necessarily agree with that. I eat well, no fast-food, no red meat, salad almost every day, blah blah blah and I'm working out regularly again for the first time in a year. If anything my eating has gotten better as my exercise increases.
|We don't need no stinking exercise!|
Dr. Jerk-Ass Doom: Well, you're old. And when you get old your metabolism slows. (Yeah, not old-er, just old. This, coming from a 70 year old. Double zing.)Here's a website you should go to, it will help you keep track of your calories and will help you lose weight. You could stand to lose... (looking at my chart) 23 pounds at least. zing zing zing zing zing zing!! Explosions went off in my head and I felt feint. I'm no size 4 but at the towering height of 5'4", losing 23 lbs is like losing an entire leg.
I was deflated and defeated and downright depressed. And then tears, brimming, ready to spill:
Dr. Douche Canoe: Nicole, have you been depressed because that can be a sign of thyroid issues.
Me: No, but I am now.
Dr. Douche Canoe: Well alright, let's get that checked out.
And that was it. He led me to the little blood work waiting room, signed me in, and said We'll be in touch. My thought: Don't count on it.
For the record I read that article and I hate the message that it sends out to idiots like my ex-doc who will only take it for its head line and first 3 paragraphs and then share their new found knowledge with god knows how many patients, desperate for answers. I hope my students aren't disappointed tomorrow when I show up to mat class with a bowl of salad and extra forks:
Forget your ab workout tonight boys and girls, from now on we feast on salad!