Sunday, December 12, 2010

What's Up Doc?

News flash ya'll.  According to my ex-doctor, not only am I fat and OLD, but also?  Exercise won't make me (or you) lose weight.  Thus, at the geriatric age of 33, I can kiss my aspirations for a better waist-line via running and yoga good-bye.  By the time I left that office I felt like I'd been zinged so many times that I couldn't wait to go home and burn my running shoes then crawl back into bed.  Forever. Here's how the ego crushing pep-talk went down.

Dr. Doom (Obviously not his real name but I was either going to refer to him as that or Dr. Douche Canoe and really, Dr. Doom is easier to write over and over again.):  Good morning ...(quick glance at my file) Nicole, what brings you in?
Me:  I'd like to get my thyroid checked for these reasons: blah, blah, blah, and blah.
Dr. Doom:  Ok (glance) Nicole, I should tell you though, about 97% of people who ask to get it checked, it turns out they're fine and they just need to lose weight.  zing.
Me:  Well Doc, I've been working out regularly and eating pretty well and it just hasn't been helping.  In fact, it seems to be having the opposite effect. 
Dr. Doom:  Well, I hate to tell you this, but didn't you know that exercise won't necessarily help you lose weight?
Me:  Um, no actually, that is brand-new information. 
Dr.  Doom:  Didn't you see that article in TIME last year? 
Me:  Which one, there were like 52 issues that year.  
Dr. Doom:  The one that was about how exercise won't make you lose weight because when people exercise they usually end up indulging in more calories than they actually burn as a reward for working out, and as a result cancelling out all effects of working out.
And I'm like:  I don't necessarily agree with that.  I eat well, no fast-food, no red meat, salad almost every day, blah blah blah and I'm working out regularly again for the first time in a year.  If anything my eating has gotten better as my exercise increases.

We don't need no stinking exercise!

Dr. Jerk-Ass Doom:  Well, you're old.  And when you get old your metabolism slows.  (Yeah, not old-er, just old.  This, coming from a 70 year old.  Double zing.)Here's a website you should go to, it will help you keep track of your calories and will help you lose weight.  You could stand to lose... (looking at my chart) 23 pounds at least. zing zing zing zing zing zing!! Explosions went off in my head and I felt feint.  I'm no size 4 but at the towering height of 5'4", losing 23 lbs is like losing an entire leg.

I was deflated and defeated and downright depressed.  And then tears, brimming, ready to spill:
Dr. Douche Canoe:  Nicole, have you been depressed because that can be a sign of thyroid issues.
Me:  No, but I am now.
Dr. Douche Canoe:  Well alright, let's get that checked out.

And that was it.  He led me to the little blood work waiting room, signed me in, and said We'll be in touch.  My thought:  Don't count on it.

For the record I read that article and I hate the message that it sends out to idiots like my ex-doc who will only take it for its head line and first 3 paragraphs and then share their new found knowledge with god knows how many patients, desperate for answers. I hope my students aren't disappointed tomorrow when I show up to mat class with a bowl of salad and extra forks:

Forget your ab workout tonight boys and girls, from now on we feast on salad!

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I can think of SO MANY other names for Dr. Ass-wipe but shall practice self-control. He sounds like an angry didn't plan well for retirement old fat mean man. And a liar

Schovillova said...

Mom, is that you?

Queen Kandis said...

Okay, new doctor, STAT.

I don't think you show the symptoms of being hyperthyroid, because you're too energetic. Trust me, I live with the symptoms- despite medication.

However, did anybody account for the fact that you're gaining muscle mass (you know- the stuff that's heavier than fat) now that you're able to work out again?

But seriously? Ditch the grandpa doctor and get a female one, right the hell now.

Kara said...

Hello old friend Nicole! I was never blessed with that rail gene that so many of our high school friends seemed to possess and have struggled with my weight for YEARS! I was an anamoly to all the advice that Dr.'s, nutriotionists and personal trainers gave. My solution was found in working harder than anyone else in the world had to in order to roll back the scales.

Good luck in your endeavor. Find a new doctor and one that will help you with solutions. Stupid d-bag doctor....I hate him!

Betsy said...

I think you're beautiful, and I think you are doing a great job keeping my butt a decent size too:)

Schovillova said...

Thanks for the comments y'all and yes, that doctor totally sucks. He's just a little right about somethings alto his delivery was harsh and his advice painfully generalized and lacking in compassion. Oh well, it felt good to take him off my Xmas list :)