Monday, July 18, 2011

Drunk Flight Attendant Says...

The cure for a scared flier?  Drunk flight attendant.  I admit I almost didn't get on the last leg of my flight from Chicago to Naptown when I saw that even I had to duck down to board  the flight.  Somehow my co-worker and I were a few of the first to get on the very tiny plane and just after I squeezed past the flight attendant (Jackie) who was hanging half-way into the cockpit, she threw her arm iron-claw style past me and bellowed NO ONE ELSE CAN BOARD!  WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES THAT MAY NEVER GET FIXED!  She looked to be in her mid-twenties and had a distinct shine to her face, blood-shot eyes, sweat rolling past her ears - but I kept on to my seat.  I didn't think I could get past the iron claw back to the jet bridge.
Me (meekly):  Um, should we go ahead and unboard?  At this point I'd noticed that all the shades were drawn, it was pitch black on the plane and hot. as. hell.  That technical difficulty?  A little thing called no a/c.
Flight Attendant Jackie:  Meh, it's up to you.  She didn't even turn around to give me the meh.  She held an ice cold glass of something to her forehead.

Fast-forward 10 minutes and exit plane mechanic, the plane comes alive and Flight Attendant Jackie has wiped down the sweat beads and put on her best flight attendant smile.  It took all of 10 more minutes for folks to board, then Flight Attendant Jackie started playing the game.  You know, the one where moving 2 or 3 people to different seats is the difference in whether or not your plane goes down in a firey ball.  And then?  She moved those same 2 or 3 bodies back to their original starting positions and laughed.  This act was followed by a reassuring:  Don't worry folks, we will make it to Indy on time.  You know how I know?  It's because I have a hot date tonight!  A quick nod of reassurance and she was pointing out the exit rows.

Jackie was on fire.  As she moved on to the mask instructions her self-sensor remained non existent:  In the event of an emergency and if you are traveling with a small child, place your mask on first, and then place your child's mask.  If you are traveling with 2 small children, place your mask first, and then place the mask on the child with the most earning potential.  

I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.  She tapped off her spiel with:  If you have heard and understand everything I've said, raise your hand.  Pause.  Glance.  Nod.  Meh, good enough.  And that was that.  She passed out a tray of warm iceless OJ, tomato juice, and water, offering side bottles of Vodka.  We landed in Indy in no time and Flight Attendant Jackie was quick to remind us to please unboard in a timely manner because you know, she had a hot date.


Anonymous said...

OMG how does this stuff always happen to you??????

Queen Kandis said...

You are too kind in omitting the name of the airline