Wednesday, December 28, 2011

I'm Gonna Rock Your U-verse

Special K's proudest moment this Christmas? 
When I unwrapped this...

ME:  Um...  I don't get it.
Special K:  (beaming so big I thought his face would split right in two so help me) You hafta guess!
ME:  (sighing) It's a cord.  You got me a cord.
Special K: Nope!  Guess again!  (still beaming)
ME:  Television cords!  OMG you got me a flatscreen!!  AAHHHH!!!
Special K: (wincing)  Ah no.  What are those?  What can you use them for?
ME:  Extension cords?  We're extending my laptop to the flatscreen? Inneresting.
Special KKeep guessing.
ME:  Speaker cords?  You got me a stereo?
Special K:  (sighing) No.  Not a stereo, Jesus.  Keep guessing.
ME:  Are you serious?  You want to keep playing this reindeer game?  Ugh.
Special K:  (teeth gritted) Just do it.  Guess.  What are they?
ME:  I. Don't. Know.  It's just a cable to something.  I don't f**king know.
Special K:  (beaming once again) YEEES!  It's a cable! 

I felt like I was in a scene from Coming to America:  Yes!  It's a cable!  Isn't it nice?!

ME:  Wha?
Special K:  Cable.  Caaaaaaaabllllllllllle.  (Eyes ready to pop out of his lovely head.)
ME:  A cable.  You got me a cable?
Special K:  He was willing me to figure this out by boring his eyes into my skull.  I got you cable.  Cable. 
ME:  (with renewed enthusiasm) You got me cable?  Like movie stuff  cable?  Like ditching the rabbit ears and watching The Daily Show not on a laptop cable?
Special K:  (smugly) Yep. AT&T U-verse gets here on Tuesday.

So I guess it must be Tuesday (see last post) because I have cable dammit. And I watched The Daily Show, Anderson Cooper 360 and even a little Fox News just to see what the 'other guys' are up to these days.  I may never sleep again.

Monday, December 26, 2011

And also?

Some nuggets of updates in order of importance...

One of my oldest and dearest pals QueenKandis honored my birthday by doing what I have yet to grow the balls to do:  She got her nose pierced and it's awesome.  I both love her and envy her this deed.  I mean let's face it, another year under my belt means another year closer to not being able to justify such an act.  That's the kind of shit you can get away with in your 20's and no one bats an eye.  But once you're in your thirties it takes a little more convincing - or at least acting like it's been there since your twenties.  That's my plan anyways.

This just in:  Our man Newt failed to make the ballot for the Virgina Primaries in January.  His home state kids.  I suppose it's also worth noting that Scary Perry also did not obtain the necessary 10,000 signatures to make that ballot and the GOP still refuses to back The Mitt.  It's worth mentioning at this point that Ron Paul not only got the necessary signatures for Iowa but he also seems to be gaining momentum.  Ron. Paul.  True story ya'll.  It's never gone happen but still, it's fun to consider.

And PS - Seven days away from the Iowa caucus and I'm pretty sure the Republican Party is scrambling to do anything short of taking out a want-ad to find someone worth backing.  What a cluster... 

And PPS - The Donald has officially dropped his Republican Party affiliation because he is quite frankly sick of the shenanigans.  Can you say third party?  YES.

I've been off of work for one week exactly and the world has somehow not come to an end.  In fact, it's been going by so slowly that I barely know what to do with all of this time.  Everyone in Chez Schovillova has been taking it so damn easy that I even had to wake Norman up at 10 a.m. this morning.  Granted he's 15 in dog years which may as well be like 200 in people years but still we are just that relaxed.  I've lost track of the actual days of the week and time no es importante.  I can't wait to go back to work on Thursday.  Whenever that is.

We went to see The Artist on Christmas Day.  We were the youngest in the audience by like 50 years - you know, because it's a silent movie about silent movies - and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised.  I hadn't heard about it but Special K (the husband formerly known as Kev) picked it out and and eventhough he said it was a silent movie I didn't really think that he meant silent.  However, the music takes over and replaces the dialogue so beautifully that you actually forget that there are no words being spoken.  We both gave it an A- (this is high Schovillova praise) and if I can give you any advice for preparing you for this silent cinematic journey... 

You will leave that theater hungry, I promise you that.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

And to ya'll a good night.

It's Christmas at Bubba's House ya'll and that can only mean one thing:  Scrabble tournements for hours or as the Herron's like to call it 'Squabble'.  And Bubba is the shrewdest most thinkin' Budweiser drinkin player that ever was and she will crush you.  One budweiser at a time. 
Hats off to you Bubba Boo! 

Thanks Dad for sending this pic, I wish I was there to throw down.
Love ya'll and to ya'll a good night!


Monday, December 12, 2011

Who said the customer was ever right?

Out of respect I have changed the names to protect the innocent.  I could give a shit about the not-so-innocent.  

Last week was madness I tell ya and this really happened...

A guy walks into a bar - one that he frequents on an almost weekly basis and has done so for 5 years now.  He waits in line then orders a beer.

Jerk-Ass Bartender:  Where's your chef's jacket?
GuyMy what?  I'll take a Black Ale.
Jerk-Ass Bartender:  No way man.  Where's your white chef's coat?
Guy:  What are you talking about?  You've got the wrong guy.
Jerk-Ass BartenderNo.  You were in here 2 years ago and conned me out of money!  I'm not serving you.
GuyNow I'm insulted.  You've got the wrong guy.  Where's your manager...
Enter Lame-Ass ManagerWhat's up?
Jerk-AssThis is the guy that ripped me off 2 years ago - the one in the white chef's coat. 
Guy (who for the record has never been a chef and is actually a teacher): He's got the wrong guy.  I'm in here all the time.
Lame-Ass Manager (looking at Guy):  Sorry man, you're out of here.
Guy:  What the fu@*!

Fast forward through days and a bajillion emails back and forth...

This Broad Ripple establishment that also brews beer and is in fact a pub flat out refused to apologize.  In fact, they fully supported the super keen memory of their bartender and said that even though Guy had been frequenting their establishment with friends and family for years, that everyone up there 'knew' that Guy was the late night chef's coat toting con man who'd been going around Broad Ripple and elsewhere in search of a few bucks.  But, if he wanted to come back and in and subject himself to a lineup and if he was in fact declared innocent, then they would be more than happy to eat crow and apologize.  What.  The.  Fug.

As someone who is a) human and b) has been serving in a customer service capacity in some shape or form for almost holy shit twenty years, you can imagine how infuriating this was.  You should be infuriated.  Not only was it defamation of character, but those assholes could have done some major career damage as well.  Not to mention the tragic sadness that overcame Guy as he struggled with the fact that perceived friendships forged at a favorite haunt over the years were in a fact tainted icky lie.  But good ol' Guy.  When I wanted to shout from the roof tops and pepper their facebook and Twitter walls with angry indignance, Guy just wanted to take the low grassroots road and hit them where it hurt most - In their beer bellies.  And it worked by golly.  A few calls to the Midwest Brewers Association and a crazy campaign of indignant emails and apparently 'maniacle' phone calls - you know who you are and you are awesome - later, and the pub powers that be were eventually worn down and succumbed to white flag apologies and promises of free beer. 

And now...
Does Guy accept the emailed apologies from both bartender and manager?  Yes because that's the kind of Guy he is.
Will he go back in there any time soon?  I have no idea but I wouldn't be surprised if he goes in as early as tomorrow or waits a few weeks or months.  I'd lean towards sooner than later because a) they owe him free beer and b) he loves the place that much.
Does Schovillova endorse this establishment and recommend it to anyone who cares?  While still a bit miffed, she still fully endorses their vegetarian menu and India Pale Ale.  That stuff's important.

The moral of the story...
GRASSROOTS WORKS YA'LL!!  And, the customer is always right.  Usually.

Thank you again to all those who wrote and called in maniacally outraged.  You are the best. 
We have been asked to 'call off the dogs'.  Please spread the word.


Sunday, December 11, 2011

Oh Blago, you'll be missed... but not really.

Guess who finally got served...

Almost 3 years later, former Illinois Governor was finally sentenced to 14 years in prison on corruption charges.  You know, the charges where he tried to sell Obama's former seat in the Senate?  Tisk, tisk.  I must say it's been a ride but I do believe your time is up.  And although you've heard it before, I will say it again...

You're fired.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Are you ready for this?

You have no idea how I kick myself for not documenting this stuff better so that my Future Self - and you - can look back and remember that yes, this happened.  You just can't make this stuff up unless you're Christopher Guest.  I would totally go see this. Welcome to Indecision 2012 kids.  I promise to give more frequent updates as the chaos unfolds...

No joke ya'll, after being declared as good as dead (the campaign not the man) in May, Newt Gingrich has managed to emerge as the GOP flavor of the month.  Normally this would be a good thing for him but if the past 6 months has told us nothing else, it's that the number 1 man - or woman - has nowhere to go but down. 

July #1:  Bachmann
August/September #1:  Perry
October #1:  Caine
December #1:  Gingrich

Even after wrapping a bus and touring the nation, Palin finally declared herself to be both officially not running and also to officially be out of contention last spring.   
Trump's unofficial star also fizzled out in the spring after an almost maniacle campaign to debunk Obama's birth country came up bogus.  Seriously? And oh happy day, The Don still threatens to run as an Independent if he's not happy with the final GOP candidate!  I'm crossing my digits ya'll.
As of now, Bachmann is barely a blip on the radar and she still wants to set up a double-walled electric fence along the Mexico border.  And also?  Michele Bachmann legs is still the #1 way that people find my blog.  What the fug??
Perry's late summer entrance and rise was astonomical but his evenutal fall has been slow, steady and at times downright uncomfortable to watch. Click here to find out more.  He's an idiot.
The latest roller coaster derailment comes in the form of a former GOP leader of the pack candidate by the name Caine.  That's Herman Caine to you but Herb Caine to Sarah Palin.  Oh Sarah, I hope you never go away.  But I digress, back to the Caine Train Wreck... Not shockingly, Herman finally threw in the towel last week after a series of undeniable sex skeletons came tumbling out of his closet.  Everything from settled harrassment suits to a 13 year affair.  Eek.  It's sad to think his team made this video for nothing...
I am, America...

Not mentioned much is Mitt Romney but that's mostly because he has yet to hold a steady 1st place lead since May. Instead he has maintained a solid 2nd place lead which means he doesn't get the skeleton diggers rummaging through his closets - yet.

Anything for a little face time.
Recently Trump decided that he possesses the mad skillz for debate moderation and announced his plans to moderate a December 27 Iowa debate.  This is not a joke.  Sadly, most of the GOP candidates are not taking his latest attempt to remain relevant seriously except of course for our man Newt and former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum - the only ones willing to show up for the shenanigans.  I admit, I'll be a little disappointed if it doesn't happen. 

It's all gonna come down to a Trump-backed Newt - v - Mitt. 

'Newt' and 'Mitt', really??