Sunday, January 19, 2014


I just want to eat that little foot but I can't because it's already in my belly.
We've waited a long freaking time for her and now she's almost here. She's almost here and she's this real thing inside my body who is currently using my bladder as a trampoline. I love it. She is the greatest gift. The minutes tick by slowly until we finally get to say hello to her sweet little face, for now we just say hello to my growing belly.

My ladies at the nail salon today:
Ladies: Oh! You have big tomack! You got baby in dare? (Pointing and smiling.)
Me: Yes, there's a baby in there. 
Ladies: Oh! When you done wit baby? When baby come out?
Me: She will be here in 3 months. Just over 3 months.
Ladies: (Looks of shock on all their faces) Tree mont? I tink maybe 1 mont. Tree mont? You got big baby in dare. Big belly!

So there's that. But you know what, I couldn't care if I looked like I had tree babies in said big belly and  12 months pregnant (for the record I've only gained about 15 lbs. so suck it little ladies). The fact is, I have one healthy growing girl in my belly and I cannot wait. She kicks when she hears music or when she feels me swaying to and fro - yes, I sway to and fro. Night time and early mornings are her best times but sadly thus far,  SpecialK can only take my word for it. She craves pineapple and cutie oranges all day long, raisin bran and Cheerios mixed for dinner, and occasionally tater tots. And thank you Jesus she does not crave meat. 

Things I had not counted on:

  1. Yoga and Pilates and pretty much any form of aerobic activity were forbidden through the first 16 weeks. I was granted permission to walk my Lady Bird no more than 3 times a week for no more than 30 minutes. Gee. I've slowly gotten back to my mat but no where near my old groove and that's OK. 
  2. All of my top baby names that I mentally logged over the years have by now been taken by friends' babies and their dogs. Ruby for your little pup Neki? Really??
  3. There are over 20,000+ different types of crib sets and bedding for baby rooms. What, the hell.
  4. It's not just the name you have to consider, but also the implications of the possible nic names, the order of the initials and also? The order of the monogram. My dear sweet sister-in-law's initials are PNS. There's a first and middle name that I love but the monogram would read FKS. Another name I love - SKS.
  5. There is some baby room decor out there that is off the freaking chain. Where to begin??


It's a lot to consider but we've still got time. 
Baby steps, folks. Baby steps.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

The End of The Book.

Three Years Ago I mentioned a book that was written about my bio grandfather who I thought that I'd never met but it turns out that I did. Once. I was like 4. The Book was sent to me in 2010 by a bio uncle (who I also met once - age 4) who authored it. I took a stab at its disturbing pages a few times and wrote a couple posts about that journey. In retrospect I believe the posts were my outlet, a way of coping if you will, in an attempt to purge the content from my brain and eyes - my soul. I never finished The Book, it was too much.

I received a text from my dad today informing me that said biograndf died last week at the ripe age of 84. Last week he said. And I get a text. How apropo. It was a strange feeling that came over me when I read the 3 lines of text while at my desk at work. I released a long sigh and reread the text a few times. To read that this person, who's mere relation to me had loomed in my darkest of shadows since the 5th grade when I discovered who and what he really was, was gone from this earth and in a way my existence was a relief somehow. The lifting of a weight that I didn't know was there was palpable. I suddenly felt like the threat of his relation to me was somehow less threatening now, less real. And four months before I bring his bio great granddaughter into the world, I breathe a sigh of relief that she will not know a world with him in it. She may only one day discover the path of destruction and legacy that he left behind. 

Rereading what I just wrote, I worry that my thoughts put into words will be harshly received by some members of my family as some of them had set out to make amends with that man over the past few years. Opportunities for a re connection were also presented to me but I kindly declined - repeatedly. There was no place in my life for him as a child and I could find no place for him in my life as an adult. It was a sentiment not shared by his own adult children who sought a re connection with their father

Decades after his conviction and release, and now death, the dirty details are still out there, floating around in People Magazine archives, New York Times articles, random blogs and legal briefs, all keeping him alive. And those still don't offer the full story, but they offer enough. As I close this post, I imagine that I have finished The Book too. 


Sunday, January 12, 2014


This girl. Meet Lady Bird Schoville. Nine months old and cute as hell. She also saved me. 

On June 14, 2013, this little nugget of delicousness came home with us. She was 8 weeks old and we picked her out among 3 of her siblings. We admit, it was a tough choice, but after several rounds of cuddling all of them, she was the first to lick my face, kind of like, 'Come on lady! Can't you see how much cuter I am than the rest of these boneheads!?' It worked like a charm and home we went. She came with the name Bailey. Bailey. 3 days later she was christened Birdie. As in Lady Bird. Johnson that is. You can take the girl out of Texas...

My first puppy, second dog. I was spoiled with Norman. He came to me house trained and perfect thanks to SpeacialK. But this, this was a tiny creature who didn't weigh 6 lbs. soaking wet. As long as my forearm nose to tail I panicked on the inside, how do we, what do we, how does she?? 7 months later she's still alive, active to the point of exhaustion, a fierce bedtime snuggler, and gets into everything. Nothing is safe and SpecialK can no longer tie any of his shoes due to half eaten laces. The other day we let her in house from outside and she was bright blue and not just because it was 10 degrees out with a foot of snow. She was like painted blue

People keep telling me that I should read the book 'Marley and Me' and I did. Or I tried to anyway 5 or 6 years ago, whenever it came out. The truth? I hated it. Blasphemy, I know. I made it to like page 20 and was so irritated by the voice of the author and the way the story was unfolding that I slammed it shut and stuck it on my shelf where it still is - or isn't - to this day. Perhaps today I'd have a better appreciation for it. In the meantime though, take my word for it. Birdie is our baby. 

We talk about her like people talk about their kids. I get it now. Somedays I think that SpecialK may love her more than he loves me - not really but maybe. He says things like My heart just stops whenever she enters a room and Doesn't she take your breath away? And I'm like Yeah dude. She's awesome. And also? I can't say that I've heard him say those things to me about me but I get it. 8 months after Norman passed and on the heels of my fourth miscarriage, she became our missing piece. 

And next week she's going to bootcamp.