Sunday, November 15, 2015

rest.less.

I mean like wow. That was close.

In the past couple of weeks I've been restless. Uneasy. Ready for change. I'm not sure if going home for my 20 year had anything to do with it. Feeling that feeling of... connection and roots that only a place that you grew up in can offer. Since my sis and sweet niece moved from here to Northern Cali a few months ago, I've been feeling less grounded in Indy. I miss my mom and would do anything to live near her again.  Last week I was this (.) close to saying yes - or at least moving forward with a potential job offer with one of my most favorite heart humans - In Dallas.

It wasn't that long ago that I couldn't board a plane home without a yoga mat, running shoes, and a fresh prescription of Xanax. And now? I didn't even flinch and apparently I must have been really excited about the prospect because after a convo with SpecialK pretty much ruled out our chance of moving back to D-town like EVER, I was crushed. Crushed. I was as surprised as SpeacialK. But I get it, something we've talked about through and through and I get it. I get his hang ups, they are the same ones that I have had for most of my adult life. The ones that produce anxiety and fear and frustration at that beast that is Dallas. A beast I never thought about taming. Instead I packed my bags and literally headed to the other side of the world to get away from it. But that beast holds things in it that are still dear to me, my family, my friends (from life), my mom. Oof, my mom. But he has those things here or at least near by. And even with those things he is still willing to move elsewhere in the name of new opportunity and challenges. But just not there.

So yeah, restless. And sleepless too thanks to the wee little person who has recently started waking up at 5:45 a.m. every morning, ready to party and start her day - and ours. The first 18 months of 9 a.m. wake up calls are sadly over. I'm left with even more hours in my day to think and feel restless. Trying to figure out next step. The next new challenge. A week ago I was mentally preparing for a possible relocation back to Dallas and the week before that I was considering writing a book. The week before that was something else, fleeting I'm sure. But I am open, and so is SpecialK - to an extent.

This week SpecialK travels and I'm left to single parenting which means 5:45 a.m. solo duty. Which means lots of time to consider next steps and continue feeling restless. To reflect and marvel at my unflinching willingness to head back to Dallas and to consider even more about where we could end up in the next year or 2. West coast? East coast? Back oversees? Or just right where we are.
It's exciting and daunting, just enough to make a person rest.less.

S

1 comment:

Eric said...

Mandi and I had similar conversations when Magnus was young, and we didn't have family nearby.