Sunday, October 8, 2017

Love Rescue Me

4 weeks ago I was rescued, allbeit briefly, from the today. The now. This fucking mess we have found ourselves in as a nation... I was able to block it out for a handful of hours and I didn't realize how much I needed it until days later. How much I'd needed to put the chaos out of my mind, the day to day life of working/traveling/momming/wifing and all the rest of it.

I attended the Joshua Tree concert with a very good neighbor friend of my era, who did not judge and or pretended not to notice as I sang every. damn. song at the top of my lungs, along with 50,000 other people. I screamed and sang so loud and long my throat was sore for days  but it was all worth it. And so help me I cried. Like a lot. The lights were still up and everyone was still hustling to refill beer post-Beck and pre-Bono. Out of nowhere the first few cords of Sunday Bloody Sunday started and suddenly he was there, in front of me yet 50 yards away. I shot up out of my seat along with anyone else with a pulse and started screaming and yelling, much like the photos of the girls at Beatles concerts who I used to make fun of.
It was the kind of gutteral and emotional response that can only be triggered by friends who have been with you at your highest and lowest points, spanning 3 decades, just ask my 1988 diary. They've changed and evoloved and made some really horrible choices right along with you and they've just always been there. 3 songs in it was Bad and it practically brought me to my knees. My anthem song these past years that hugged me and lifted me from the bathroom floor through multiple miscarriages and allowed me to scream along at the top of my lungs in the confines of my car on my lowest days to and from months spent in the NICU. It was there in front of me, live, enveloping me and 50,000 of my now closest friends and then something released in me in those minutes, it escaped. 

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

When your 94 Grandma proclaims that your 2-year old is no lady and you die a little inside.

Here we are, deep in the heart of Dallas, Texas. Home of one million of my relatives, sunshine in late winter, and my 94 year old grandma - Bubba. She has lived nine lives and then some and will continue to live many more we are fairly certain. Her Will-to-Live recipe consists of a few cups of love, a few more of laughs, some handfuls of spite, and gallons of Budweiser. She continues to live out her days in an assisted living place where she is surrounded by friends and life, much to her dismay.

When I showed up for lunch on Sunday, 2 littles in tow, she was sipping coffee with her 2 friends Billy (who is a young and spry 70 and blind as a bat - literally), and Eleanor. Billy proclaimed proudly that she had kidnapped Bubba and wheeled her down to the dining room. Billy steered Bubba's wheel chair while Bubba shouted directions. According to Billy, they only took out 3 by-standers and hit 2 poles. I'm inclined to believe that story. The whole time Billy talked, Bubba rolled her eyes and mouthed 'whoopee' with a twirly hand. For the record, she would have done that even if Billy had been able to see.

Prior to Billy's tale of adventure, Bubba was surprised to see us. So surprised that she pretended not to know us.

Me: Hey Bubba! It's so good to see you!
Bubba, looking up, clearly confused: Well Who. Are. You? 
Me, crushed and panicked thinking: Oh god. She's lost her memory.
Bubba: Ha! Just kidding. I know who you are but why are you here?
Me: thinking Whew, there she is. 

Fast forward the arrival of three loud brothers, two parents and one hard-to-warm-up toddler and Bubba was starting to twitch. Finally my sweet Adelaide climbed into the chair next to her Bubba. Swoon. Being the painfully awkward introvert that she is (bless her heart), Adelaide indeed sat next to her Bubba but she did so in a slumped fashion with her hat just over her eyes. Knees up. Skirt up. Dear lord make it stop.

Bubba: Well what's wrong with her??
Me: (dying) She's just a little shy, Bubba.
Bubba: (staring mouth agape at Adelaide's form) You know, real ladies don't let their skirts up above their knees. Bring your skirt down, girl!
Adelaide, side-eyeing Bubba just below the rim of her hat, slowly starts to lower her skirt past her propped up knees. Bubba nods in satisfaction as Adelaide reaches the below the knee destination and without pause or breaking side-eye, then begins to start the journey back again of the skirt coming back above and over her knees until her skirt was all. The way. Over. Her. Head. And I died.

The end.  

Monday, February 27, 2017

The answer is 'None of the above.'

I'm skipping past the last 7,8, 9? months because they've been a blur. I've written some posts since my last one but none to completion, or satisfaction. I've written even more in my head and while they never made it past my fingertips, even those have been therapeutic because too damn much has happened. It's like I blinked last February and it's suddenly a year later and I've woken up in a some punked version of reality. Can you guess which one of the following statements is false?

A) I am 40.
B) My son spent 70 days in the NICU last year. 70.
C) I am a stay at home mom now.
D) Donald Trump is President. Of like the United States of America. Thanks to Russia. Russia.
E) Mike Pence is no longer Governor of Indiana! Because he's Vice President of like, the United States of America.
F) U2 is touring The Joshua Tree.
G) I've figured out how to fly with an infant and toddler and still score a glass of wine in-flight.
H) The new Secretary of Education stated that guns should be allowed in schools due to grizzly bears. And she was elected after that statement was made, of course she was.
I) I've participated in 3 protests and rallies in 2017 and it's only February 26th.
J) I wore a pussy hat on my head in a sea of other pussy hats and it was totally normal.
K) We have a president, of like, the United States of America, who uses Twitter as a bully pulpit and regularly creates his own versions of the truth to suit his needs and ego - and it's considered normal.

So which one of these is not true? The answer is NONE OF THEM. THEY ARE ALL FUCKING TRUE WHAT THE HELL??

Like I said, punked reality. Alternate universe. Life's been busy and just when I thought I was getting my energy back up to embrace life again last fall, November 8 happened and my world was thrown on its axis once again as Donald Fucking Trump was elected, despite losing the popular vote by several million. Months later I'm still waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out at a White House Daily Briefing and yell PUNKED! Goddammit Ashton, where are you.

In the mean time, I do what I know. I continue to raise my little people to not be assholes (that's my bar). I join rallies and protests and shout from the rooftops - and troll Twitter like a mad woman - as I am indignant on a daily basis of the policies being spewed forth from the new Oval. The oval which is now full of CEO's, billionaires, and oh yeah, white supremacists. No big deal. Totally normal. Did I mention I'm a stay at home mom now?

In the meantime, I prepare for another trek back to my Texas in four days with lofty mom goals of scoring my in-flight wine and maintaining the semblance of sanity while traveling with 2 tiny humans, sans Special K. My soul prepares for blue skies and sun which I need to drown out the cold - and not cold - but always gray days of the past 4 months.

In the meantime, I continue to struggle with the reality of my stay at home momness. And while I have no regrets I'd be lying if I said this new gig was easy - because it's not. It's the hardest fucking thing I've ever done in my life. Every day is hard but there's beauty in it. Every day there are tears, smiles, poop - so much poop, so many highs and lows. But this is my gig right now. They are my job and they make the HR profession look easy. When I look at them I want to vomit with love because even in their worst moods and most maniacal moments, they are beautiful and they are mine. Ours.

So yeah, I'm looking forward to sky blue skies very soon as I take advantage of my unlimited 'days off' with my monsters. I will enjoy them while I have them.