Tuesday, March 7, 2017

When your 94 Grandma proclaims that your 2-year old is no lady and you die a little inside.

Here we are, deep in the heart of Dallas, Texas. Home of one million of my relatives, sunshine in late winter, and my 94 year old grandma - Bubba. She has lived nine lives and then some and will continue to live many more we are fairly certain. Her Will-to-Live recipe consists of a few cups of love, a few more of laughs, some handfuls of spite, and gallons of Budweiser. She continues to live out her days in an assisted living place where she is surrounded by friends and life, much to her dismay.

When I showed up for lunch on Sunday, 2 littles in tow, she was sipping coffee with her 2 friends Billy (who is a young and spry 70 and blind as a bat - literally), and Eleanor. Billy proclaimed proudly that she had kidnapped Bubba and wheeled her down to the dining room. Billy steered Bubba's wheel chair while Bubba shouted directions. According to Billy, they only took out 3 by-standers and hit 2 poles. I'm inclined to believe that story. The whole time Billy talked, Bubba rolled her eyes and mouthed 'whoopee' with a twirly hand. For the record, she would have done that even if Billy had been able to see.

Prior to Billy's tale of adventure, Bubba was surprised to see us. So surprised that she pretended not to know us.

Me: Hey Bubba! It's so good to see you!
Bubba, looking up, clearly confused: Well Who. Are. You? 
Me, crushed and panicked thinking: Oh god. She's lost her memory.
Bubba: Ha! Just kidding. I know who you are but why are you here?
Me: thinking Whew, there she is. 

Fast forward the arrival of three loud brothers, two parents and one hard-to-warm-up toddler and Bubba was starting to twitch. Finally my sweet Adelaide climbed into the chair next to her Bubba. Swoon. Being the painfully awkward introvert that she is (bless her heart), Adelaide indeed sat next to her Bubba but she did so in a slumped fashion with her hat just over her eyes. Knees up. Skirt up. Dear lord make it stop.

Bubba: Well what's wrong with her??
Me: (dying) She's just a little shy, Bubba.
Bubba: (staring mouth agape at Adelaide's form) You know, real ladies don't let their skirts up above their knees. Bring your skirt down, girl!
Adelaide, side-eyeing Bubba just below the rim of her hat, slowly starts to lower her skirt past her propped up knees. Bubba nods in satisfaction as Adelaide reaches the below the knee destination and without pause or breaking side-eye, then begins to start the journey back again of the skirt coming back above and over her knees until her skirt was all. The way. Over. Her. Head. And I died.

The end.